Wednesday, March 1, 2017

The Struggle Within.

Before I start talking about what is going on with me. I wanna state that I am not doing this for pity or attention. I am just letting people in which is something that is extremely hard for me to do.

I have depression. I have anxiety. I am overweight. I have guilt. I struggle with these things every single second of everyday. But it is who I am. Some days they define me other days they are just a part of who I have become.

I have never really been a happy person. Didn't have a great childhood. Dad was around enough but I kept him at a distance. Guilt. Mom wasn't around enough, so I keep here at a distance now. I have no guilt over this. She didn't want me when I was younger, I don't need her as an adult. My grandparents that lived around me were great but we saw things different. I didn't spend as much time as I should have with them. Guilt. I have a brother we didn't grow up together so we sorta like strangers. He has a family of his own. I am so proud of him and all that he has. I can't say there is a complete guilt here, we just have a different relationship.

I have a best friend that I love (not in an icky way) he is like my brother in the sense that we talk quite a bit, I don't get to see him as I would like. He has a life as well. I sorta fit into that and not in a bad way. His parents are beyond amazing. They treat me like their own kid. Which is very nice and odd for me. As I somewhat said above I didn't have a close knit family. So to be apart of one is weird. I will always feel like I don't belong. But I don't know that I belong anywhere.

I struggle with food. I try and exercise and eat right. I start to lose weight and I get so proud of myself. Then I "reward" myself with McDonald's. Serious guilt. I am really working on this though. Some days are much better than others. I hate to spend the money (will get to that in a second) I actually enjoy cooking. It is just stupid laziness on my part. Then I get pissy that I gained the weight back. Vicious cycle.

I have been unemployed much longer than I ever anticipated. I tried like crazy when I was first unemployed, no one would even give me an interview. I have an extremely difficult time passing the assessment part of the applications. I get nervous and frantic. Then I end up failing that and well they won't hire you. So after being a failure enough times you just except it. I simple just sold everything that was worth anything to pay the bills. My grandparents started to get worse. I started to spend more and more time with them. Letting the job hunt go to the wayside. Then they passed away. I inherited some money. I made a promise to myself that I would not job hunt for a year and decide what the hell I wanted to do with my life. Well it's been 2 years and I have no fucking clue and the money is damn near gone. I bought things I needed/wanted, bills, let a couple people money (I do not regret). I got comfortable. This is all my fault. I know that. I have a couple feelers out there and I am just letting the cards fall where they may.

I still feel a lot of guilt about my dad and I miss him constantly. He died in 2004. I made a promise to him that he would be able to die at home. I broke that promise he died in the hospital. I know I probably did the right thing but it still eats me up inside. I watched and lived with him getting worse and worse everyday. That is something I don't wish on anyone. I was 20 at the time.

I don't know that I will ever be able to change some my feelings from above. I know I will struggle with most. I have accepted that. I can be distant at times to my friends. I don't share anything, cause I don't think people care. I realize that may not be entirely true but it sure feels that way. I live in my own little world with TV shows, podcasts (IMAHO), social media forums (I am one of the nicer ones I think). If I make a new friend online sometimes I can get clingy and annoying them with messages. I am aware of that and I am working on it. Sometimes I just wanna grab lunch with a friend. Sometimes I wanna go for a drive (Not now as I need brakes and I hear those are important).  I just need to write this for myself. I need to not let things get bottled up inside. Nothing but more anxiety and depression come from it.

If you read this I hope you learned a little bit about me. Maybe too much. If you are one of the people I message too much, I apologize. I am working on it, along with everything else above.