Sunday, May 26, 2013

This is a fan talking about Arrested Development.

*Don't read if you haven't seen ALL 15 episodes*

It's Sunday May 25th, 2013 something happened today that I never imagined would. We were granted 15 episodes of Arrested Development. 7 years after FOX cancelled it the little show that could returned this time on Netflix. I can remember the day the show debuted thinking it would never last. I was right, I was off by 2 and a half years but none the less. I believed it was ahead of it's time, some people wouldn't get the fast pace of the show, catch all of the jokes. When I watch season's 1-3 now I still catch something new each time. It is that good, it is that layered.

The show came out during a time I really needed to laugh. My dad was diagnosed with Melanoma cancer about 2 months before the debut. He would die during the middle of season 1. I continued to watch all the episodes as well and recording them on a VCR (google it). I would rewatching them multiple times but once the show got cancelled I stopped. I felt like when it got cancelled a family member died. I know a little extreme but it felt that way. So over the course of 7 years I would tell everyone who would listen to give the show a chance. Even though I hadn't went back and watched myself.  Then the talk of a movie might happen I thought I will believe it when I see it. I still feel that way but feel a little better about getting more episodes. So in 2011 when it was announced there will be new episodes I was was overjoyed and a little sad. I knew I was going to have to go back and watch a show that had some bad personal memories attached to it. So 2 months ago I started my voyage. My worries about remembering my dad's death and this beautiful show going together strong.  Instead what happened was in a way I started to heal. I don't know why its been 9 years. But that's what happened. He didn't even watch the show. I tried but parents they have a mind of their own. So I went through the seasons and then again and again. I watched multiple times in order then random. It held up over time perfectly. I was very happy I could have my show back without any bad memories of his passing.

So at 3:00am eastern time I blue myself as a woman it was a little bit more difficult.  I was like a kid at christmas I couldn't get enough. Seeing my old friends was great. The same running jokes and gags were fantastic to see. A dysfunctional family at it's best. Even the episodes that felt a off the jokes were rewarded episodes later. The each cast member being the focal point for each episode took a little to get used to. I ended up really liking it. Although more Buster next time. I was a little disappointed in no chicken dance, Franklin or Hey Brother. But I can get past that. There were new gags Parmesan Cheese and Mustard made me gag just watching GOB eat it. Buster's new very large hand. There are many more but those are 2 of my favorites. Loved seeing some of the guest stars return. Ed Begley Jr, Henry Winkler, Scott Baio, Martin Mull just to name a very small few. New guest stars Isla Fisher, Kristen Wiig and Seth Rogan. I was confused as to why they felt the need to have Kristen and Seth play a young Lucille and George Sr. considering in the previous seasons they were played by Jessica Walter and Jeffery Tambor. But that was something I can look over...kinda.

In short it was great to have the show back and with Buster being arrested at the end it set up another season? The long rumored movie? I will take whatever I can get of this show. It was well worth the wait.

P.S. I'm not a writer so if there are mistakes I apologize.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

My What If's

It is late on a Saturday. I am watching Game 6 Knicks vs. Pacers and my mind is wondering. My mind never shuts off for better or worse it is a machine. A lot of what if's. What if I get a job tomorrow? What if I never get a job (being out of work for almost 4 years this comes up alot). What if I could just get over my fear? What if I decide to go away for good?  These are the normal thoughts that are always in the machine. The questions are easy the answers on the other hand.

Answer to what if I get a job tomorrow. I would be the happiest person in the world. In the past 4 years that I have been unemployed (excluding a 19 day temp job) a lot has happened. 3 deaths, grandpa had kidney cancer. My own fears. My own desires. I don't want just any job. I know how selfish that sounds. I want a job that I never want to leave. I don't want to jump from job to job. They need to be able to work with me about taking my grandpa to his doctor's appointments. In the past 4 years I have filled out 100's of applications and had 3 interviews. So either I am unemployable or I don't answer the test questions they way they want.  Either way it is becoming more and more of a nightmare for me. This is all I think about. I just want the nightmare to be over.

Answer to what if I never get a job. Well the top goes hand in hand with this question.  The only reason I have been able to live this long is selling almost everything that I care about, doing some freelance stuff, taking care of things for my grandpa and some other things as well.  It has been very very hard on me and my emotional state. Essential being told you are not good enough to unload a truck at Lowes is mindblowing.  I do my best not to think bad thoughts during this time but I would be lying if I didn't think about taking the easy way out.

Answer to getting over my own fear. This one is hard. I don't care what people think of me for the most part.  Unless you are my best friend, his girlfriend or his parents don't bother telling me how to live my life. Well you can tell me but don't get pissy if I don't listen. I don't listen to the people that matter the most to me. I wanna go to college. I tell myself I am too old (will be 30 next month), I tell myself i'm to stupid. I like to learn so I really don't know what is stopping but fear.

Answer to what if I go away for good. Well I really can't answer this. I wish my life was a TV Show (in so many different ways) where someone in my life could show me how others get around with me or without me. I truly think people would be better off. I have always felt that way even as a child. I have tried to end things before. I never have spoken about it so I probably won't now.  I grew up a only child. I do have a half-brother but we are not close. Grew up with my dad who passed in 2004 from Melanoma. It was very hard on me. I took care of him, promised him I would never make him go to the hospital. But one day I knew something was off I didn't go to work that weekend and on Sunday I made the call to 911 to take him. He told me something as they were taking him away and handed me something that I cherish to this day. I ended up leaving the hospital after a while and wasn't home very long before someone came and got me.  He wasn't speaking at this point but he did look at me and call me by the nickname he always called me. Not long after that I realized he wasn't breathing and my uncle noticed it as well.  I always wonder if I didn't exist would he still be alive, happy and healthy. I will never be able to answer that question.

If anyone reads this I am not a writer so if things are not the way they should be well...get over it. ;)
Feel free to comment here or my twitter @lizjaxe    I plan on writing more hopefully less depressing things.