This will probably be longer than I want and maybe a little all over the place.
I don't think that highly of myself and most people in my younger life didn't either. So as much as I try and forget about that things said to a younger child/teenager it still effects me. Also probably why I am the way I am now. I was bullied throughout school. I was shy (still am, no really), overweight, poor, ugly, and have a mole on my face that was a very easy target. Day after day of hearing this stuff it does start to effect you. Home life was not great but not horrible. My parents divorced when I was young. I really only remember the constant fighting. My dad got custody which should tell you everything you need to know about my birth mother. She would get me every other weekend. Usually within the first day she would send me back. Now it may not have been every time but I only remember her sending me back more than once. She had a boyfriend that molested me when I was a child. I remember her being on his side. I also remember something happening with him but can't remember what. I did have to go to therapy. I did find a piece of paper when my dad died that was from some type of court with his name on it. It took me into my 30's to completely shut her out of my life. I don't want anything to do with her. She was nothing but drama when I was younger and I don't have an desire for it as a middle aged adult.
As the older I got the more reserved I got a little less trusting. I had one "manager" who at one point I might have considered a friend but because I made a decision that was best for me at the time, he no longer spoke to me completely. We were already somewhat on the outs. He was a shit boss but thought he was amazing. If you disagreed with him then your opinion was not important. This was a huge red flag for me. Just to keep my mouth shut all together. I mean 6 months after my fathers death he asked me why I wasn't over it, but he did say "no offense" right before. So I guess in his fucked up mind it was okay to ask that question.
Speaking about my fathers death. It's not something I really talk about it openly. A lot happened to me after his death. Some was amazing and other stuff sucked. I was 20 when he died. I made him a promise that no matter what I would not let him die in a hospital. I broke that promise and I have felt a great deal of guilt over it ever since. I even left the hospital after about an hour of him being taken in. Someone had to come get me cause they said he wouldn't last much longer. Well thats true he only woke up once, he looked at me called me by the nickname he called me my entire life and then shortly after he was dead. I had been watching him get worse for about 6 months, I took care of him every day. I saw him slowly die in front of my eyes for months and I am the one that pointed out to the nurse his chest wasn't moving. So my emotions were a bit different than others. On the day of his funeral was odd people I had never seen for the most part, telling me what he was like as a kid. Something else weird/amazing happened it was the beginning of the happiest 1-2 months of my life. To say I struggled with some emotions would be an understatement. But I would give just about anything to have those months back I have honestly never been happier.
I know this is all over the place but that's how my weird mind works. I cant go in order of events cause one thing triggers a story or memory of something else. But I think the above stories show or at least can explain why I am the way that I am. When I look into a mirror and see myself I see someone who has a lot of pain and very little happiness. I see an overweight, ugly, stupid, lonely, broken dead inside person. I have trust issues to many people I let take advantage of me. I don't like people very much, I don't like to get too close to people. I have been in love and had my heart broken all of my own doing cause I say stupid shit out loud. I am pretty sure I did it again recently. I get so crazy stupid happy that I just start talking and well I think we all know where this leads. I hope I am wrong and I still will see that person again and again.
People like to tell me that it will get better or that Im not alone. I have been hearing it for 37 years I think it's time we stop kidding ourselves. Some people can't be saved or want to be. I am very independent. I don't like letting people into my apartment, I don't have many friends most of that is my doing. I keep people at a distance for several different reasons. Yes I get lonely but I have had a lot of practice. The same can be said for my happiness. The couple months after my dad died and the couple days in October were the purest forms of happiness I have ever felt. Otherwise I just go through the motions, I can put on a smile or fake a laugh with the best of them. Had a lot of practice. The biggest thing I have learned in my old age is that people's opinions do not nor should not matter. There is a small and I mean small handful of people that theirs does matter on certain subjects but overall I do not care what people think of me. It will never be worse than what I think or know of myself.
