Saturday, May 18, 2013

My What If's

It is late on a Saturday. I am watching Game 6 Knicks vs. Pacers and my mind is wondering. My mind never shuts off for better or worse it is a machine. A lot of what if's. What if I get a job tomorrow? What if I never get a job (being out of work for almost 4 years this comes up alot). What if I could just get over my fear? What if I decide to go away for good?  These are the normal thoughts that are always in the machine. The questions are easy the answers on the other hand.

Answer to what if I get a job tomorrow. I would be the happiest person in the world. In the past 4 years that I have been unemployed (excluding a 19 day temp job) a lot has happened. 3 deaths, grandpa had kidney cancer. My own fears. My own desires. I don't want just any job. I know how selfish that sounds. I want a job that I never want to leave. I don't want to jump from job to job. They need to be able to work with me about taking my grandpa to his doctor's appointments. In the past 4 years I have filled out 100's of applications and had 3 interviews. So either I am unemployable or I don't answer the test questions they way they want.  Either way it is becoming more and more of a nightmare for me. This is all I think about. I just want the nightmare to be over.

Answer to what if I never get a job. Well the top goes hand in hand with this question.  The only reason I have been able to live this long is selling almost everything that I care about, doing some freelance stuff, taking care of things for my grandpa and some other things as well.  It has been very very hard on me and my emotional state. Essential being told you are not good enough to unload a truck at Lowes is mindblowing.  I do my best not to think bad thoughts during this time but I would be lying if I didn't think about taking the easy way out.

Answer to getting over my own fear. This one is hard. I don't care what people think of me for the most part.  Unless you are my best friend, his girlfriend or his parents don't bother telling me how to live my life. Well you can tell me but don't get pissy if I don't listen. I don't listen to the people that matter the most to me. I wanna go to college. I tell myself I am too old (will be 30 next month), I tell myself i'm to stupid. I like to learn so I really don't know what is stopping but fear.

Answer to what if I go away for good. Well I really can't answer this. I wish my life was a TV Show (in so many different ways) where someone in my life could show me how others get around with me or without me. I truly think people would be better off. I have always felt that way even as a child. I have tried to end things before. I never have spoken about it so I probably won't now.  I grew up a only child. I do have a half-brother but we are not close. Grew up with my dad who passed in 2004 from Melanoma. It was very hard on me. I took care of him, promised him I would never make him go to the hospital. But one day I knew something was off I didn't go to work that weekend and on Sunday I made the call to 911 to take him. He told me something as they were taking him away and handed me something that I cherish to this day. I ended up leaving the hospital after a while and wasn't home very long before someone came and got me.  He wasn't speaking at this point but he did look at me and call me by the nickname he always called me. Not long after that I realized he wasn't breathing and my uncle noticed it as well.  I always wonder if I didn't exist would he still be alive, happy and healthy. I will never be able to answer that question.

If anyone reads this I am not a writer so if things are not the way they should be well...get over it. ;)
Feel free to comment here or my twitter @lizjaxe    I plan on writing more hopefully less depressing things.