A Little (Sorta) About Me.

 This will probably be longer than I want and maybe a little all over the place. 

I don't think that highly of myself and most people in my younger life didn't either. So as much as I try and forget about that things said to a younger child/teenager it still effects me. Also probably why I am the way I am now. I was bullied throughout school. I was shy (still am, no really), overweight, poor, ugly, and have a mole on my face that was a very easy target. Day after day of hearing this stuff it does start to effect you. Home life was not great but not horrible. My parents divorced when I was young. I really only remember the constant fighting. My dad got custody which should tell you everything you need to know about my birth mother. She would get me every other weekend. Usually within the first day she would send me back. Now it may not have been every time but I only remember her sending me back more than once. She had a boyfriend that molested me when I was a child. I remember her being on his side. I also remember something happening with him but can't remember what. I did have to go to therapy. I did find a piece of paper when my dad died that was from some type of court with his name on it. It took me into my 30's to completely shut her out of my life. I don't want anything to do with her. She was nothing but drama when I was younger and I don't have an desire for it as a middle aged adult. 

As the older I got the more reserved I got a little less trusting. I had one "manager" who at one point I might have considered a friend but because I made a decision that was best for me at the time, he no longer spoke to me completely. We were already somewhat on the outs. He was a shit boss but thought he was amazing. If you disagreed with him then your opinion was not important. This was a huge red flag for me. Just to keep my mouth shut all together. I mean 6 months after my fathers death he asked me why I wasn't over it, but he did say "no offense" right before. So I guess in his fucked up mind it was okay to ask that question.

Speaking about my fathers death. It's not something I really talk about it openly. A lot happened to me after his death. Some was amazing and other stuff sucked. I was 20 when he died. I made him a promise that no matter what I would not let him die in a hospital. I broke that promise and I have felt a great deal of guilt over it ever since. I even left the hospital after about an hour of him being taken in. Someone had to come get me cause they said he wouldn't last much longer. Well thats true he only woke up once, he looked at me called me by the nickname he called me my entire life and then shortly after he was dead. I had been watching him get worse for about 6 months, I took care of him every day. I saw him slowly die in front of my eyes for months and I am the one that pointed out to the nurse his chest wasn't moving. So my emotions were a bit different than others. On the day of his funeral was odd people I had never seen for the most part, telling me what he was like as a kid. Something else weird/amazing happened it was the beginning of the happiest 1-2 months of my life. To say I struggled with some emotions would be an understatement. But I would give just about anything to have those months back I have honestly never been happier. 

I know this is all over the place but that's how my weird mind works. I cant go in order of events cause one thing triggers a story or memory of something else. But I think the above stories show or at least can explain why I am the way that I am. When I look into a mirror and see myself I see someone who has a lot of pain and very little happiness. I see an overweight, ugly, stupid, lonely, broken dead inside person. I have trust issues to many people I let take advantage of me. I don't like people very much, I don't like to get too close to people. I have been in love and had my heart broken all of my own doing cause I say stupid shit out loud. I am pretty sure I did it again recently. I get so crazy stupid happy that I just start talking and well I think we all know where this leads. I hope I am wrong and I still will see that person again and again.

People like to tell me that it will get better or that Im not alone. I have been hearing it for 37 years I think it's time we stop kidding ourselves. Some people can't be saved or want to be. I am very independent. I don't like letting people into my apartment, I don't have many friends most of that is my doing. I keep people at a distance for several different reasons. Yes I get lonely but I have had a lot of practice. The same can be said for my happiness. The couple months after my dad died and the couple days in October were the purest forms of happiness I have ever felt.  Otherwise I just go through the motions, I can put on a smile or fake a laugh with the best of them. Had a lot of practice. The biggest thing I have learned in my old age is that people's opinions do not nor should not matter. There is a small and I mean small handful of people that theirs does matter on certain subjects but overall I do not care what people think of me. It will never be worse than what I think or know of myself. 

The Struggle Within.

Before I start talking about what is going on with me. I wanna state that I am not doing this for pity or attention. I am just letting people in which is something that is extremely hard for me to do.

I have depression. I have anxiety. I am overweight. I have guilt. I struggle with these things every single second of everyday. But it is who I am. Some days they define me other days they are just a part of who I have become.

I have never really been a happy person. Didn't have a great childhood. Dad was around enough but I kept him at a distance. Guilt. Mom wasn't around enough, so I keep here at a distance now. I have no guilt over this. She didn't want me when I was younger, I don't need her as an adult. My grandparents that lived around me were great but we saw things different. I didn't spend as much time as I should have with them. Guilt. I have a brother we didn't grow up together so we sorta like strangers. He has a family of his own. I am so proud of him and all that he has. I can't say there is a complete guilt here, we just have a different relationship.

I have a best friend that I love (not in an icky way) he is like my brother in the sense that we talk quite a bit, I don't get to see him as I would like. He has a life as well. I sorta fit into that and not in a bad way. His parents are beyond amazing. They treat me like their own kid. Which is very nice and odd for me. As I somewhat said above I didn't have a close knit family. So to be apart of one is weird. I will always feel like I don't belong. But I don't know that I belong anywhere.

I struggle with food. I try and exercise and eat right. I start to lose weight and I get so proud of myself. Then I "reward" myself with McDonald's. Serious guilt. I am really working on this though. Some days are much better than others. I hate to spend the money (will get to that in a second) I actually enjoy cooking. It is just stupid laziness on my part. Then I get pissy that I gained the weight back. Vicious cycle.

I have been unemployed much longer than I ever anticipated. I tried like crazy when I was first unemployed, no one would even give me an interview. I have an extremely difficult time passing the assessment part of the applications. I get nervous and frantic. Then I end up failing that and well they won't hire you. So after being a failure enough times you just except it. I simple just sold everything that was worth anything to pay the bills. My grandparents started to get worse. I started to spend more and more time with them. Letting the job hunt go to the wayside. Then they passed away. I inherited some money. I made a promise to myself that I would not job hunt for a year and decide what the hell I wanted to do with my life. Well it's been 2 years and I have no fucking clue and the money is damn near gone. I bought things I needed/wanted, bills, let a couple people money (I do not regret). I got comfortable. This is all my fault. I know that. I have a couple feelers out there and I am just letting the cards fall where they may.

I still feel a lot of guilt about my dad and I miss him constantly. He died in 2004. I made a promise to him that he would be able to die at home. I broke that promise he died in the hospital. I know I probably did the right thing but it still eats me up inside. I watched and lived with him getting worse and worse everyday. That is something I don't wish on anyone. I was 20 at the time.

I don't know that I will ever be able to change some my feelings from above. I know I will struggle with most. I have accepted that. I can be distant at times to my friends. I don't share anything, cause I don't think people care. I realize that may not be entirely true but it sure feels that way. I live in my own little world with TV shows, podcasts (IMAHO), social media forums (I am one of the nicer ones I think). If I make a new friend online sometimes I can get clingy and annoying them with messages. I am aware of that and I am working on it. Sometimes I just wanna grab lunch with a friend. Sometimes I wanna go for a drive (Not now as I need brakes and I hear those are important).  I just need to write this for myself. I need to not let things get bottled up inside. Nothing but more anxiety and depression come from it.

If you read this I hope you learned a little bit about me. Maybe too much. If you are one of the people I message too much, I apologize. I am working on it, along with everything else above.

The Blacklist

This of course is just one fans opinion.  I would never claim to speak for everyone.

Recently well I guess I should say more recently if feels like certain fans feel like they are speaking for everyone. Well you aren't speaking for me at all. There are issues with this show of course there is, there is no show that is a 100% perfect. 

If you like the show then great. If you don't like the show but continue to watch just to complain, then what the hell is wrong with you? I thought "hate watch" was only for The Newsroom.  Don't get me wrong there are things wrong with this show is it great? No it is not. There are a lot of reasons for that, 22 episodes a season is just crazy, being on NBC, and sometimes the writing. 

I mean for the love of everything how many times is Liz going to be mad at Red then happy with him. That is one if not one of the biggest issues of this show. We get it she is pissy, she was this way before she was pregnant so don't use that as an excuse. 

Is Tom someone we should be rooting for or against? I feel like he is a mini Red in the sense he is a very bad man trying to do good things. But at what cost? He tells Liz everything will work out, then goes bad to Gina to steal diamonds?  He then gets shot and almost dies, making Liz even more pissy at everyone and everything. He is doing more harm than good right?

As for Red well he is an enigma wrapped in a weird little white guy. I have NEVER believed his was her father. If I am being honest if he does than there is a good change that will ruin the show for me all together. But then again that answer won't come till season 6 or whatever. I can wait. 

I don't feel like I am entitled to know right now or if ever really. We all have our theories, most other fans will discuss them in a nice way. Other places if you don't agree with what they think than you are an idiot and you are not a fan. THOSE are the worst kinds of fans, the ones that think they are entitled to know everything at all times. I am saying this about all fandom's, not just The Blacklist. These fans make me sad as a person and as a fan of any show. 

We all have things we wish we could change about the show, I am no different. I wish Liz would be killed off. I don't like the actress I am sorry she is just bad. But I realize that I won't get what I want, I am okay with that. I don't go around screaming I Hate Megan Boone at the top of my lungs, I have written it a couple places. I respect the people that agree and disagree with me. This is just a TV show. It's okay not to like everything.  I love this show in spite of her and her character. 

I am just rambling at this point. This show is full of great things and people. I hope to be watching if for the next couple of years at least. Hopefully it's not one of those shows that limp to the finish line. This show as an amazing group of writers that tweet every week when I am sure they could be doing something else, they visit forums, interact with fans. The listen to what we like and dislike but we aren't entitled to them making those changes. They have an endgame in mind, they should stick to it as close as they can. I will be along for the entire ride.  Just don't mess it up by making Red the FATHER. I realize that no one will probably read this and that's okay as well. 

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Enlisted one of the best shows no one is watching...yet.

There are very few funny shows anymore and it is even rarer to find one on the NBC, ABC, CBS, and FOX. Put Enlisted is that show and it aired on FOX. Now I could go on and on about how it was never going to get the attention it needed from FOX or the fact that they put it on Friday Nights. But I will try and stick to the show. When I saw the first preview I though oh it looks cute I will give it a chance. Then I found out it was created by Kevin Biegel I said out loud this show will be funny and it will have several seasons. Kevin has been around the block a while Scrubs, Cougar Town and now Enlisted. So his name alone was all I needed to know it was going to be a hit.

The first season consisted of 13 episodes. Those 13 episodes have more heart and emotion than some of the drama's I watch. It can make you "ugly cry" one second and have you laughing your ass off the next. Again something that is difficult for a comedy to do which is why most comedies don't even try.
In those 13 episodes you got to see brothers reunite, fight and support each other in a very touching way. But more importantly the group of misfits already in Rear D became part of something even bigger than the Army, they became brothers and sisters. It made me see the Army in an entirely different light. I didn't even now there is a Rear D and yes they are soldiers to.

I am one very small individual trying to save this show. There are several others out there that are more creative than me. But I like to think I am just as passionate. I want this show to continue. When I see a show get cancelled I think well it had a good run or that's not surprising. Well this show proves me wrong on both accounts. It didn't get the run it deserved and it was very surprising also heartbreaking at the same time. But with the help of the other Enlistees we are there for one another fighting for this show to continue. Because simply we are Brothers and Sisters we are family.

HANDSONHEADS.

10 Years Ago.

My dad and Me. I was almost 1. I just noticed he is holding me up with his teeth. 

10 years ago today I lost my dad. He was only 49 I was 2 months away from my 21st birthday. I lived with my dad my up until his death. My parents divorced when I was 8 or 9 I really don't remember, I have tried to forget a lot of my childhood. I do however remember some things. We didn't have a lot and quite frankly that was fine. I had a TV in my room which if you know me at all that is all I needed. Hell in my teen years I had 2 TV and 2 VCR's, I was usually the person that my dad or someone would call if they need an electronic item to work. \

We lived in a 2 story house that was owed by my grandpa. I lived upstairs, my dad's bedroom was also upstairs but he always slept on the couch downstairs, that's where the video games where. We had a redneck setup. We had one of those old swivel TV's that did not work but it worked just fine for putting a TV on top of it. Then next to it we had another TV that had the video games hooked up to it.  It took me a long time when I lived on my own to get used to not having 2 TV's on at once. Anyway that was total normal for us. Although we very rarely agreed on TV shows or Games. He was more Magnum PI I was Homicide. He was Baseball games I was Mario.  We did agree on somethings Drew Carey Show, Law & Order, That '70 Show. There are many nights now watching something or playing a game that I think about him whether he would like or hate it.

My brother, me, dad. He is wearing a bitching Red Baron jacket. 

We were close but at the same time we were very far apart. We usually we both always home but neither one would know that unless I had to come downstairs. I would get home from school at the same time he would get off work. I didn't have friends so I never went anywhere. We would do puzzles but never together, he would go to bed then I would continue it and the same with me. If I could go back and spend more time with him of course I would. Hindsight of course is 20/20.  I would play softball in the summer and he stay home. At the time I loved it, I had seen him at sporting events before he was not a quite fan. I hated having that attention when playing a game. If I knew he was going to be there I would be uncomfortable, there were a couple of times I caught him there without me knowing. He never said anything and I never said anything.

He had been sick for a long time. It started on his shoulder it was like a birthmark that he had always had but it started to ooze at times. I told him forever he should go to the doctor and so did everyone else. At this point I had a job so he was constantly home alone.  He was home so much that my grandpa actually told him to get a cat. Rocky is still alive and very independent, not quite sure if he picked that up from my dad or me. When he finally did go to the doctor they informed him it was Melanoma which is a form of skin cancer. They told him 6 months. He told me as I was making a sandwich, I was like someone punched me in the stomach. That was one of the fews times we both cried and told each other I Love You.  I believe he told my brother when he ran into at the Street Fair, not sure who got the better end of that conversation. He went through Cemo, his 4th ex-wife drove him to and from Indy for his appointments or anything like that that needed to be done. When I would go to work my grandparents would come over and stay with him. We eventually got Hospice as well.  He made me promise that no matter what I would never make him go to the hospital. I broke that promise. I was suppose to work that Saturday and Sunday I woke up on Saturday and something felt wrong. So I stayed home he wasn't doing to good but not really that bad either.  Sunday was a different story he wasn't doing good at all. I called ex-wife number 4 and she came over, then I called grandma and grandpa, Hospice I believe was there as well. We decided to call an ambulance. We all went our separate ways up there. After a while I went back home. I don't like hospitals and I didn't really think this was going to end well. I wasn't home very much and my brother's wife comes and tells me I should go back up there. They don't think he is going to make it the night. I go, at this point he wasn't talking or opening his eyes. Not long after I got back up there year looked at me and called me the nickname that he always called me. Not much longer after that I noticed he stop breathing, most of the family was talking about how it was a good sign he talked. I looked at my uncle and said his chest isn't moving and he agreed. The rest of that night is kinda a blur. 10 years later I still feel guilt about making him go to the hospital.

Dad for Halloween at Gerber's grocery store. The red shirt was part of his regular everyday wear.

I think about all the time we did spend together. I remember his mustache, aviator sunglasses and hawaiian shirts. Yes he did in fact want to be Magnum PI.  We rarely fought but neither one of us are wired that way. We would watch sports together he was a Detroit Tigers fan, I am a Yankees fan. We used to go to garage sales together. I would always end up with a bunch of wrestling figures no matter if I went or not. We would go to movies together I like any kid did not want to sit with there dad so I would sit a couple rows away rows from him. But no matter what he was my dad and I miss him every single day. I wonder if he would be proud of me. I'm not even proud of me. But he would be, I am almost sure of it.  Sorry for rambling on. Before I started writing I had all these stories I wanted to tell, then I forgot them all. It is something I very rarely talk about.

Dad, Uncle Tom, Brother Brett, Granpa Homer, Grandma Ginger, Me.

I love House of Cards more than a Shark loves Blood.

House of Cards has completely taken over my life...although I really don't have one to begin with. When I tell people I love the show they really don't take my word for it. As I am a huge Kevin Spacey fan. He doesn't really do anything wrong in my eyes. So when I tell people to give it a shot they kind of roll their eyes at me. I started to say I came for Spacey but stayed for everything else. This seems to get there interest a little more. A brilliant cast, a fantastic created and main writer that I honestly wasn't aware of at the time. Lets say I am completely aware of him now. Directors some of them I was more familiar with their work than others. The show has been completely hooked.  I have seen Season 1 at least 12 times and an additional time with the commentary on. Which I really enjoyed. My hope is that they re-release them on Blu Ray. I hope Season 2 has commentaries maybe this time have Beau and some of the cast as well.

In the first scene Frank Underwood kills a dog. While I am not a fan of killing animals I was immediately hooked. The balls of this show killing a dog in the first 2 minutes. Not many shows on cable or paid cable would do that. The broadcast networks wouldn't touch that scene with a ten foot pole. But this is the golden age of streaming. The rules are different...thankfully. House of Cards also breaks the fourth wall which takes some getting used to. The first episode it threw me and I was a little uneasy about it. But the second episode I craved it. I wanted the subtle glances, smart ass comments. It made the character more deceitful in my eyes.

The cast does a fantastic job. The scenes with Robin Wright and Kevin Spacey are amazing to watch unfold. I still don't know who is more ruthless of the two. Wright has this ability to make you feel for her character in the beginning of the show then you quickly realize she is just as cold blooded as he is. The way she is able go toe to toe with Spacey is very fun to watch. Hell if this show was just 50 minutes of the Underwoods you couldn't keep me away. They both have affairs, backstab others to get what they want. The episode where she turns on him is one of my favorites. The Underwoods are a different type of couple but they do get shit done at no costs.

There really is no weak link in the cast. A majority of them I had never heard of and I immediately searched what else they have done. I think it's fair to say the Corey Stoll will not need a job for several years. He was the a complete unknown to me, but damn if he wasn't fantastic. He plays a drunken fool full of charm like no one I have ever seen. Michael Kelly, Kate Mara, Constance Zimmer, Kristen Connolly, Sakina Jaffrey and so so many more.

I can't wait to see Season 2 and 3. In my heart I don't want this show to end but it inevitable will. Hopefully we the audience will get satisfy ending. Although I don't think anyone in this show should get a satisfying ending. I can't recommend this show enough. What Beau Willimon has written is a show that is beyond anything I could have ever imagined. It will do for Streaming what Breaking Bad did for cable. He better make some room on his shelves for all the awards that will rightfully come his way.

The end is near.

I used to be a pretty simple person. Never really cared to much about anything. Never worried about the small thing or the big things. If something happens it has a purpose behind it. Not in a religious way because I am an atheist. More like everything happens for a reason type of logic. I don't know if I believe that anymore. I also believed that everyone is treated equally and if they are not then they should be. Everyone is on the same playing field some people are better at some things than others but everyone gets a chance. Nope don't believe that anymore either.

I think I am just going through the motions, just waiting for it end. I get up, look for a job, watch TV, go to bed and do it all over again. That seems easy enough right? But after 4 years of it the rejection level has completely broken me. I believe 100% this is all my fault. I am not good enough for anything. The 2 main jobs I have ever had I have gotten either because my dad knew someone or I did. I'm not sure I was qualified for either. Don't get me wrong Retail is not necessary an easy job but it isn't rocket science either. I have 6+ years of experience in it, but I haven't really worked in 4 years. That is a huge amount of time in that business. I don't wanna work with food so much of it makes me nauseas just looking at it anymore. Don't wanna work in a factory or gas station. You would think that even without those industries there would be something out there. I have applied to places I know absolutely anything about and places I really think I would be good at. My ideal job of course like most of us is working from home. But you usually have to be good at something to do that or be a pornstar. Neither which I am qualified for.

Maybe I just dug myself into this hole by taking off time after I lost my job. But I had enough money saved and sold stuff that I probably would have sold at some point (even though I regret some of it) that I could take that first year off without the help of anybody. I truly think most people would have done the same. No matter what age group. I am single no kids to support. The decision to take off that year wasn't easy but it was my choice.

I have very few bills which is a plus I guess. A huge part of me dies on the inside when I have to ask someone for money, hopefully I will be able to pay them/him off. I look at my bills now and I ask myself why did I think Credit Cards were a good idea. I paid off the big one when I left my job along with my ER bills. I wish I would have been smart enough to pay off the last one. I look at like I am throwing money away every month. It is the one bill I don't need. If I could every pay it off I would use the money from it to my internet bill. Although I may have to change that which just makes me cry and have a meltdown.  Unfortunately I am running out of things to sell or at least things that would sell. I don't wanna give up my PS3 but it may have to go. My internet is as important to me as breathing. I need it to fill out applications, I use it for what news I actually care about. I don't know how I lived without it. I challenged myself to go without internet for a weekend. I lasted 4 hours. Failure!

I know the next couple of months are going to be difficult to find a job. This time of year is horrible. People getting their CC statements, weather causing issues with vehicles, everyone is depressed because they couldn't keep their resolutions. LOL.

I will just have to wait out the storm and hope that once the weather changes and people are able to get back to spending money that I will be abel to find a job.

I have struggled all my life. Somedays are better than others. Other days I wonder what's keeping me here. I don't really have an answer to that.

Maybe I am just having issues with the fact that my dad's birthday is this weekend he would have been 59. I April it will have been 10 years since his death. I don't think I have ever really dealt with it. But that is for another blog.

New Year

I have never really believed in new year resolutions. If you wanna lose weight or stop smoking do it today no need to wait for the new year. I realize most people say they want to lose weigh as their resolution because of all the food they eat in the last 2 months, so don't eat so much. Easier said than done. So instead of resolutions I will continue the things I have already started.

1. Finding a Job. I have been looking for as long as I can remember. Maybe I am being to picky, I don't wanna be one of those people that jump from job to job. As much as I hated WM I never saw myself leaving, the job was easy. The people made it difficult.  Deep, deep, deep down I am terrified of finding a job. I have been out of work so long and so many people are rooting for me I don't want to let them down if I get one then lose it for whatever reason. I would love to find something I am good at but I don't think they pay you to watch TV, because if they did I would be a Billionaire. I love the business of TV I don't know why but it intrigues the hell out of me.


2. Continue to Lose Weigh.  I have always been on the heavier side. It never really bothered me for the most part. I was bullied in school for it but I was also bullied for a hundred other reasons as well. I currently weigh 259.  I am also hoping that if I can lose some of it that my health problems will go away. Migraines and just all around sluggishness. I have been eating better. Going to bed by midnight getting up at 8:30. Actually having breakfast, lunch and dinner. I love fruit and veggies. I need to cut out pop completely. I love Tea just need to drink more of it.

3. College? - I think I will put college on hold for a little bit. I would like 2 focus on the first 2. I don't want to get in over my head with 2 much stuff.

Mostly I just this year to be better than the last. Most of my life will stay the same. I don't do alot besides watching TV and I can do that no matter what happens I guess.

The Future of TV...Netflix.

Ten years ago I never thought I would say that network TV as we used to know it is all but finished. Cable networks are currently king however in 5 years they will be dethroned. Cable networks will still be relevant especially to Broadcast networks but the Netflix's, Amazon's, Hulu's and I am betting the iTunes' of the world will be king and they will be on top to stay. There are many choices now to choose from but I believe those will be the important ones to the future and maybe just maybe Redbox will find it's way into that list. As they have started to do streaming online as well although it is to Verzion customers...for now.bu

When Netflix first started their DVD rental service I believed it was only a matter of time before they took down the Blockbuster's of the world. Where I live there were a couple small video stores that alone with Blockbuster also went out of business. Never did I imagine that Netflix would start streaming shows and movies online. I had never heard of such a thing. I knew you could buy or rent through iTunes but what Netflix wanted to accomplish was so much bigger and bolder. Older shows and movies that I thought were all but lost or never heard of. Shows that may never see the light of day on DVD or an audience that it deserved. 

Netflix also gave people what they really wanted. The right to choice what they watch, how much they watch and most importantly when they watch. No more of this Monday's at 10:00 on so an so's network. If someone had never seen Mad Men for instance but don't have AMC then they could watch all of the seasons at their own pace. 

Netflix also changed the landscape when they decided to get into original programming. The first being Lilyhammer. Which was a relative hit and is looking at starting a 3rd season. But the real test was getting something big. It was announced that Netflix had beat out the Cable network competition and received the licensing rights to House of Cards. Staring 2 time Oscar winner Kevin Spacey. Created byBeau Wilimon who also is Oscar nominated for Ides of March. The price tag was huge, the gamble was bigger. A gamble that I would say has paid off. The reviews were great, subscriptions were believed to have risen. The Emmy's showed the love as well. Whether or not they can take any awards home is a whole different conversation.  

$7.99 a month is a bargain. Movies, TV shows, Kid shows as well, rights to stand up comedy acts now. Considering that most movies in theaters now are close to $10.00 or more in some areas. It is not financially possible for a family of 4 to go out to the movies anymore.  Streaming is the future. It can only get better from here on out. 

I am alone...that's okay.

I have been trying to figure out were I fit in the world. I realized I really don't. I have family but we aren't really close. I am okay with that. I have somewhat of an adopted family, but recently realized I will always be an outsider with them. I am not family, I am not dating a member of the family, I am not a life long friend. I am just someone one of them met at a retail store and at the time we were very similar.

I am not part of the half not really part of the half nots. I don't desire my clothes to be top of the line, I don't feel the need to buy name brand anything really. If I can get the name brand for a decent price that's fine. I don't feel like I need accessories to my wardrobe. The cheapest way of doing things is for me.

I wake up alone. I go to bed alone. I can't remember when I had the touch of another person. There are times were that though makes me very depressed, other times I relish in the fact I am alone. If I want to do something I do it. No need to check in with anybody or worry what they are doing. But at the same time I wish I had someone to talk to. To be there for someone, to help through tough times, be there for the good ones. Laugh, cry, hate.  Some people get to have that type of happiness. I will am not one of them, it's taken me 30 years to accept that fact. I am perfectly lonely.  I realized not everyone would agree that this is the correct way to think but it works for me.

Homicide: Life on the Street

Homicide: Life on the street premiered in 1993, I was 9 when it debuted. I don't remember a whole lot but I was mesmerized from episode 1. I was always the person who was watching stuff they shouldn't be watching or listening to music they shouldn't be hearing. But Homicide was different it didn't rely on the cheap tricks of over the top violence, blowing crap up or even language. It was a show based on characters and emotion. I was hooked. The grittiness of the direction and the visuals alone were worth the then 46 minutes I gave up on my Friday nights.  Then when you add in the actors and actresses that would for me be forever synonymous with these characters I was drawn to it even more.

To me the heart and soul of the show was the next 5 actors.

Andre Braugher as the holier than now Frank Pembleton. He can do no wrong and he can never be wrong. Braugher ate up every piece of dialogue given to him and created a masterpiece. He set the bar of what an actor should be like or should want to be like. I never once saw him give a bad performance in the show, hell even now he still demands a type of precise that so called movie stars demand.

Kyle Secor as the very new kid on the block Tim Bayliss. He was given the important assignment of being Pembleton's partner. He was a sometimes unsure of himself, what he believed in, whether or not people can change. He was a nice balance to Pembleton.   Bayliss was my personal favorite character and still to this day I hope to marry Kyle.

Richard Belzer as the dark, twisted, conspirator John Munch.  Munch was a man of many opinions. Some of which were outlandish and some which were probably correct. He was a many that spoke his mind no matter what or who he was talking to.     At this point I think Richard headstone will read Richard Belzer as played by John Munch.

Clark Johnson as laid back Meldrick Lewis. Lewis was the fast talker, cool cat of the squad. Always dressed real nice with what seemed like a different hat in each episode. He was never one to let emotion control the investigation unlike some of his fellow detectives.

Yaphet Kotto as the man in charge Lt. Al Giardello. He was tough as nails on the outside and a big teddy bear on the inside. He was the man who controlled his squad by not controlling it. He let them be themselves until it was no longer an option.

To me this next group of actors and actresses where always able to hold their own against anybody. There were times they made me forget that there were other actors on the screen.
Melissa Leo, Daniel Baldwin, Ned Beatty, Jon Polito, Michelle Forbes, Reed Diamond, Jon Seda, Callie Thorne, Peter Gerety, Isabella Hoffman, Max Perlich, Toni Lewis, Michael Michele and Giancarlo Esposito. Zeljko Ivanek.

Homicide was a show that went on for 7 seasons and a movie. It was a show that always struggled in ratings. I will never understand that. Even now it is a show that is better than 99 percent of the crap that is on right now. It was a show that was way ahead of it's time, even now I don't think it would be appreciated. Some of the standout episodes to me will always be the Pilot, Three Men and Adena, The Documentary, Kaddish, Subway, The Twenty Percent Solution, Lines of Fire. Every cross over episode with Law & Order, Every Red Ball, 2 parter or 3 parter. Okay there isn't a bad episode of Homicide. Even if it was an "off" episode it was still great. I go back and watch the entire series at least twice a year sometimes more. It never fails to grip me or entertain me. There are parts that I will cry at still to this day. Not sure how many shows can say they have that kind effect on me. Maybe because I was so young when I first started watching it or the fact that I had tape's EVERY single episode. I would rewatch and rewatch. I would watch live and tape at the same time. 


It was a show that will forever be the highlight of my childhood and even now at 30 I look forward to watching it. When I see the actors in other things or when their name pops up as a producer, writer or director it makes me smile. They may have gone on to do bigger and better things but to me they will always be from Homicide. I have gone on to follow most of the actors in what they do. Kyle in just about every guest role he has done on TV. How he doesn't have his own show or at the very least a series regular role is beyond me.  Callie Thorne went from Homicide to episodes of The Wire. Rescue Me to USA's Necessary Roughness. Reed Diamond will forever be Mike Kellerman to me. Everytime I see him in anything I think he is the bad guy. Also always see the image of him shooting the powerful Luther Mahoney. 
Homicide should go down as one of the best dramas of all time. I would put it #1. But as you can see from above there is nothing this show can do wrong in my eyes. It will forever be the bar I hold TV shows too. 

Anxiety has become my best friend.

I never considered my an anxious person. However in the last 6 months - 1 year that's all I have been anxious. I worry all the time about everything and anything. I don't sleep much but much less in the last several months. If I do sleep it's only for an hour or so. My mind will not shut off. I wake up in a heap of sweat, sometimes forgetting where I am, even though it's my apartment, my bed, my sheets, my black cat at the end of the bed.

The though of leaving my own apartment to do the simplest things makes me anxious. Taking my grandpa to his doctors appointment, getting lunch for my best friend or going to get groceries. It makes me so unnerved that I get sick. I was suppose to go to a dinner for my birthday and I had to miss it because I ended up getting so sick. Same thing happened on Mother's Day another dinner missed. Had to leave my best friends house early because of it. I don't know what I am afraid of. My routine has almost always been the same and I like it like that. I have tried to shut my mind off from racing. I fill out applications, play video games, watch my favorite TV shows, listen to my favorite podcasts or music. It doesn't help or if it does it is for a small amount of time.

It makes me mad that I can't figure out why this is become such an issue for me. I never really went a lot of places to begin with. But now it has become a giant chore just to do the things I need to do. I hope it gets better. I hope that it goes away soon. It is become a giant crutch. Giving me migraines more than I already get. Sleeping even less than usually. Spending most of my time in the bathroom. The anxiety wasn't there one day then the next day it was. I hope it leaves just as easily as it came and soon.

This is a fan talking about Arrested Development.

*Don't read if you haven't seen ALL 15 episodes*


It's Sunday May 25th, 2013 something happened today that I never imagined would. We were granted 15 episodes of Arrested Development. 7 years after FOX cancelled it the little show that could returned this time on Netflix. I can remember the day the show debuted thinking it would never last. I was right, I was off by 2 and a half years but none the less. I believed it was ahead of it's time, some people wouldn't get the fast pace of the show, catch all of the jokes. When I watch season's 1-3 now I still catch something new each time. It is that good, it is that layered.

The show came out during a time I really needed to laugh. My dad was diagnosed with Melanoma cancer about 2 months before the debut. He would die during the middle of season 1. I continued to watch all the episodes as well and recording them on a VCR (google it). I would rewatching them multiple times but once the show got cancelled I stopped. I felt like when it got cancelled a family member died. I know a little extreme but it felt that way. So over the course of 7 years I would tell everyone who would listen to give the show a chance. Even though I hadn't went back and watched myself.  Then the talk of a movie might happen I thought I will believe it when I see it. I still feel that way but feel a little better about getting more episodes. So in 2011 when it was announced there will be new episodes I was was overjoyed and a little sad. I knew I was going to have to go back and watch a show that had some bad personal memories attached to it. So 2 months ago I started my voyage. My worries about remembering my dad's death and this beautiful show going together strong.  Instead what happened was in a way I started to heal. I don't know why its been 9 years. But that's what happened. He didn't even watch the show. I tried but parents they have a mind of their own. So I went through the seasons and then again and again. I watched multiple times in order then random. It held up over time perfectly. I was very happy I could have my show back without any bad memories of his passing.

So at 3:00am eastern time I blue myself as a woman it was a little bit more difficult.  I was like a kid at christmas I couldn't get enough. Seeing my old friends was great. The same running jokes and gags were fantastic to see. A dysfunctional family at it's best. Even the episodes that felt a off the jokes were rewarded episodes later. The each cast member being the focal point for each episode took a little to get used to. I ended up really liking it. Although more Buster next time. I was a little disappointed in no chicken dance, Franklin or Hey Brother. But I can get past that. There were new gags Parmesan Cheese and Mustard made me gag just watching GOB eat it. Buster's new very large hand. There are many more but those are 2 of my favorites. Loved seeing some of the guest stars return. Ed Begley Jr, Henry Winkler, Scott Baio, Martin Mull just to name a very small few. New guest stars Isla Fisher, Kristen Wiig and Seth Rogan. I was confused as to why they felt the need to have Kristen and Seth play a young Lucille and George Sr. considering in the previous seasons they were played by Jessica Walter and Jeffery Tambor. But that was something I can look over...kinda.


In short it was great to have the show back and with Buster being arrested at the end it set up another season? The long rumored movie? I will take whatever I can get of this show. It was well worth the wait.



P.S. I'm not a writer so if there are mistakes I apologize.

My What If's

It is late on a Saturday. I am watching Game 6 Knicks vs. Pacers and my mind is wondering. My mind never shuts off for better or worse it is a machine. A lot of what if's. What if I get a job tomorrow? What if I never get a job (being out of work for almost 4 years this comes up alot). What if I could just get over my fear? What if I decide to go away for good?  These are the normal thoughts that are always in the machine. The questions are easy the answers on the other hand.

Answer to what if I get a job tomorrow. I would be the happiest person in the world. In the past 4 years that I have been unemployed (excluding a 19 day temp job) a lot has happened. 3 deaths, grandpa had kidney cancer. My own fears. My own desires. I don't want just any job. I know how selfish that sounds. I want a job that I never want to leave. I don't want to jump from job to job. They need to be able to work with me about taking my grandpa to his doctor's appointments. In the past 4 years I have filled out 100's of applications and had 3 interviews. So either I am unemployable or I don't answer the test questions they way they want.  Either way it is becoming more and more of a nightmare for me. This is all I think about. I just want the nightmare to be over.

Answer to what if I never get a job. Well the top goes hand in hand with this question.  The only reason I have been able to live this long is selling almost everything that I care about, doing some freelance stuff, taking care of things for my grandpa and some other things as well.  It has been very very hard on me and my emotional state. Essential being told you are not good enough to unload a truck at Lowes is mindblowing.  I do my best not to think bad thoughts during this time but I would be lying if I didn't think about taking the easy way out.

Answer to getting over my own fear. This one is hard. I don't care what people think of me for the most part.  Unless you are my best friend, his girlfriend or his parents don't bother telling me how to live my life. Well you can tell me but don't get pissy if I don't listen. I don't listen to the people that matter the most to me. I wanna go to college. I tell myself I am too old (will be 30 next month), I tell myself i'm to stupid. I like to learn so I really don't know what is stopping but fear.

Answer to what if I go away for good. Well I really can't answer this. I wish my life was a TV Show (in so many different ways) where someone in my life could show me how others get around with me or without me. I truly think people would be better off. I have always felt that way even as a child. I have tried to end things before. I never have spoken about it so I probably won't now.  I grew up a only child. I do have a half-brother but we are not close. Grew up with my dad who passed in 2004 from Melanoma. It was very hard on me. I took care of him, promised him I would never make him go to the hospital. But one day I knew something was off I didn't go to work that weekend and on Sunday I made the call to 911 to take him. He told me something as they were taking him away and handed me something that I cherish to this day. I ended up leaving the hospital after a while and wasn't home very long before someone came and got me.  He wasn't speaking at this point but he did look at me and call me by the nickname he always called me. Not long after that I realized he wasn't breathing and my uncle noticed it as well.  I always wonder if I didn't exist would he still be alive, happy and healthy. I will never be able to answer that question.

If anyone reads this I am not a writer so if things are not the way they should be well...get over it. ;)
Feel free to comment here or my twitter @lizjaxe    I plan on writing more hopefully less depressing things.

Cougar Town Why You Should Watch But Refuse To.

Cougar Town is a comedy show on ABC. Without even telling you the premise the title has probably thrown you off. Well shame on you. It started out as a 40 year old divorcee single woman roaming the town looking for young strange. Turned out to be one of the best shows on television in the last 10 years.

The dynamic of the cast is beyond words. The writing is better than it was in the first episode, which is an understatement. The directing is outstanding. The show doesn't stunt cast save for the few FRIENDS and Scrubs alum which is excepted.

They have moved past the Cougar part of the title and became something special to watch and enjoy. Who doesn't love wine a little to much. Neighbor's who are your best friends. Crazy blonde who will do crazy things for attention. Paper Buddy turned lover. Ex-Husband who is a screw up, with a big heart. Kid who for whatever reason never goes to college. I wish I had any or all of that in my life, would make it that much interesting and enjoyable.

I can't even beginning to tell you how awesome, funny, warm heartfelt this show is. I have been a fan since the beginning wasn't turned off by the title, wasn't a fan of it either. Came for Bill Lawrence stayed for Wine Time.

I'm just a fan trying to get the word out for this show. They say don't judge a book by it's title. Well i'm asking you to do the same thing here. Give it a shot. The only thing you will be disappointed in is that you haven't watched this show grow from the first episode.

Season 3 premiere's Feb 14th. at 8:30 on ABC. Watch Cougar Town and then go out and celebrate Valentine's Day. If you like the show then spread the word, hell even if you don't like it spread the word. I got my aunt and best friend watching. Ever bit will count. We don't want another Work It fiasco do we?

UConn Women Basketball Streak

I have been a fan of the UConn women basketball team for several years. I live in Indiana so the coverage here is not great but has gotten better over the years thanks to the CPTV online and ESPN. The woman's game does not get the respect it deserves period. What they can do on the court is amazing I watch them and in awe. I wanted to play basketball in school but am to shy to play in front of people.

What they did today in winning their 88-straight game will never be matched in my opinion, just like the UCLA men's record will never be matched. The two should not even be compared to each other different game, era, everything is different even the ball.

Just respect what they have accomplished and enjoy what is happening in the women's game. Publicity like this is good no matter the team or if it's men or women doing it. It is simple an amazing accomplishment.

Does It really get better?

I'm new to this whole blogging thing and I'm not a writer. So if thing are not the way they should be I'm sorry.
Let me tell you a little about myself. I'm 27, live in a smallish town, female, not really attractive, 5'3 at 240ish pounds, dye my hair black, tattoos, and despite what some people think not a lesbian(and there would be nothing wrong if I were), tomboy and over all a loner.

The title of this blog and maybe only blog is Does it really get better? Everyone these days are doing PSA's and fundraisers telling young teen Gays and Lesbians that it does in fact get better. My question is if you are not a gay or lesbian does that mean it doesn't get better? I have been bullied my entire life, school, work, all the time. I dress like a boy, have short hair, tattoos, chubby all around. As much as I tell myself it doesn't hurt it does. I don't have many friends the ones who I do have are like me they only in the fact that they seem to not care on the outside I just wonder if they get bullied like me. Never had a boyfriend just "friends with benefits". My one and true "friend" that has never left me and never will is Stevie the TV (if you haven't seen the show Friends a billion times then you don't get this reference and I probably just come off weird nothing new)  Stevie and I have been together my entire life i have to get a new one a couple of times but other than that. See you can buy friends.  I come home and he's there I wake up and he's there, don't have to worry about him spending time with other men or women. He's all mine.


I don't go out much because I'm insecure in every clique imaginable. Just stay home and watch movies, TV shows anything. That's kinda sad I'm and all I wanna do is be alone. Don't get me wrong there's advantages but I would like to know that I go it out it won't be full of people looking and wondering if I'm a boy or girl. It happens more than you think or should.  I'm depressed most of the time because other people have dictated they way I live my live, I've tried getting passed it I really have. Easier said than done. But words do in fact hurt. 


I guess my question may never get answered. Does it get better? I hope that it does for every single person whether your black, white, gay, lesbians, straight. I don't really care i don't judge. Well maybe the people that bully. You've got to wonder what they are going thought emotional and privately to bully someone.


Well if anyone reads this Thank You I appreciate it. Maybe I will write another blog. Don't have a clue what to write about though.