I have never really believed in new year resolutions. If you wanna lose weight or stop smoking do it today no need to wait for the new year. I realize most people say they want to lose weigh as their resolution because of all the food they eat in the last 2 months, so don't eat so much. Easier said than done. So instead of resolutions I will continue the things I have already started.
1. Finding a Job. I have been looking for as long as I can remember. Maybe I am being to picky, I don't wanna be one of those people that jump from job to job. As much as I hated WM I never saw myself leaving, the job was easy. The people made it difficult. Deep, deep, deep down I am terrified of finding a job. I have been out of work so long and so many people are rooting for me I don't want to let them down if I get one then lose it for whatever reason. I would love to find something I am good at but I don't think they pay you to watch TV, because if they did I would be a Billionaire. I love the business of TV I don't know why but it intrigues the hell out of me.
2. Continue to Lose Weigh. I have always been on the heavier side. It never really bothered me for the most part. I was bullied in school for it but I was also bullied for a hundred other reasons as well. I currently weigh 259. I am also hoping that if I can lose some of it that my health problems will go away. Migraines and just all around sluggishness. I have been eating better. Going to bed by midnight getting up at 8:30. Actually having breakfast, lunch and dinner. I love fruit and veggies. I need to cut out pop completely. I love Tea just need to drink more of it.
3. College? - I think I will put college on hold for a little bit. I would like 2 focus on the first 2. I don't want to get in over my head with 2 much stuff.
Mostly I just this year to be better than the last. Most of my life will stay the same. I don't do alot besides watching TV and I can do that no matter what happens I guess.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
The Future of TV...Netflix.
Ten years ago I never thought I would say that network TV as we used to know it is all but finished. Cable networks are currently king however in 5 years they will be dethroned. Cable networks will still be relevant especially to Broadcast networks but the Netflix's, Amazon's, Hulu's and I am betting the iTunes' of the world will be king and they will be on top to stay. There are many choices now to choose from but I believe those will be the important ones to the future and maybe just maybe Redbox will find it's way into that list. As they have started to do streaming online as well although it is to Verzion customers...for now.bu
When Netflix first started their DVD rental service I believed it was only a matter of time before they took down the Blockbuster's of the world. Where I live there were a couple small video stores that alone with Blockbuster also went out of business. Never did I imagine that Netflix would start streaming shows and movies online. I had never heard of such a thing. I knew you could buy or rent through iTunes but what Netflix wanted to accomplish was so much bigger and bolder. Older shows and movies that I thought were all but lost or never heard of. Shows that may never see the light of day on DVD or an audience that it deserved.
Netflix also gave people what they really wanted. The right to choice what they watch, how much they watch and most importantly when they watch. No more of this Monday's at 10:00 on so an so's network. If someone had never seen Mad Men for instance but don't have AMC then they could watch all of the seasons at their own pace.
Netflix also changed the landscape when they decided to get into original programming. The first being Lilyhammer. Which was a relative hit and is looking at starting a 3rd season. But the real test was getting something big. It was announced that Netflix had beat out the Cable network competition and received the licensing rights to House of Cards. Staring 2 time Oscar winner Kevin Spacey. Created byBeau Wilimon who also is Oscar nominated for Ides of March. The price tag was huge, the gamble was bigger. A gamble that I would say has paid off. The reviews were great, subscriptions were believed to have risen. The Emmy's showed the love as well. Whether or not they can take any awards home is a whole different conversation.
$7.99 a month is a bargain. Movies, TV shows, Kid shows as well, rights to stand up comedy acts now. Considering that most movies in theaters now are close to $10.00 or more in some areas. It is not financially possible for a family of 4 to go out to the movies anymore. Streaming is the future. It can only get better from here on out.
Monday, August 26, 2013
I am alone...that's okay.
I have been trying to figure out were I fit in the world. I realized I really don't. I have family but we aren't really close. I am okay with that. I have somewhat of an adopted family, but recently realized I will always be an outsider with them. I am not family, I am not dating a member of the family, I am not a life long friend. I am just someone one of them met at a retail store and at the time we were very similar.
I am not part of the half not really part of the half nots. I don't desire my clothes to be top of the line, I don't feel the need to buy name brand anything really. If I can get the name brand for a decent price that's fine. I don't feel like I need accessories to my wardrobe. The cheapest way of doing things is for me.
I wake up alone. I go to bed alone. I can't remember when I had the touch of another person. There are times were that though makes me very depressed, other times I relish in the fact I am alone. If I want to do something I do it. No need to check in with anybody or worry what they are doing. But at the same time I wish I had someone to talk to. To be there for someone, to help through tough times, be there for the good ones. Laugh, cry, hate. Some people get to have that type of happiness. I will am not one of them, it's taken me 30 years to accept that fact. I am perfectly lonely. I realized not everyone would agree that this is the correct way to think but it works for me.
I am not part of the half not really part of the half nots. I don't desire my clothes to be top of the line, I don't feel the need to buy name brand anything really. If I can get the name brand for a decent price that's fine. I don't feel like I need accessories to my wardrobe. The cheapest way of doing things is for me.
I wake up alone. I go to bed alone. I can't remember when I had the touch of another person. There are times were that though makes me very depressed, other times I relish in the fact I am alone. If I want to do something I do it. No need to check in with anybody or worry what they are doing. But at the same time I wish I had someone to talk to. To be there for someone, to help through tough times, be there for the good ones. Laugh, cry, hate. Some people get to have that type of happiness. I will am not one of them, it's taken me 30 years to accept that fact. I am perfectly lonely. I realized not everyone would agree that this is the correct way to think but it works for me.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Homicide: Life on the Street
Homicide: Life on the street premiered in 1993, I was 9 when it debuted. I don't remember a whole lot but I was mesmerized from episode 1. I was always the person who was watching stuff they shouldn't be watching or listening to music they shouldn't be hearing. But Homicide was different it didn't rely on the cheap tricks of over the top violence, blowing crap up or even language. It was a show based on characters and emotion. I was hooked. The grittiness of the direction and the visuals alone were worth the then 46 minutes I gave up on my Friday nights. Then when you add in the actors and actresses that would for me be forever synonymous with these characters I was drawn to it even more.
To me the heart and soul of the show was the next 5 actors.
Andre Braugher as the holier than now Frank Pembleton. He can do no wrong and he can never be wrong. Braugher ate up every piece of dialogue given to him and created a masterpiece. He set the bar of what an actor should be like or should want to be like. I never once saw him give a bad performance in the show, hell even now he still demands a type of precise that so called movie stars demand.
Kyle Secor as the very new kid on the block Tim Bayliss. He was given the important assignment of being Pembleton's partner. He was a sometimes unsure of himself, what he believed in, whether or not people can change. He was a nice balance to Pembleton. Bayliss was my personal favorite character and still to this day I hope to marry Kyle.
Richard Belzer as the dark, twisted, conspirator John Munch. Munch was a man of many opinions. Some of which were outlandish and some which were probably correct. He was a many that spoke his mind no matter what or who he was talking to. At this point I think Richard headstone will read Richard Belzer as played by John Munch.
Clark Johnson as laid back Meldrick Lewis. Lewis was the fast talker, cool cat of the squad. Always dressed real nice with what seemed like a different hat in each episode. He was never one to let emotion control the investigation unlike some of his fellow detectives.
Yaphet Kotto as the man in charge Lt. Al Giardello. He was tough as nails on the outside and a big teddy bear on the inside. He was the man who controlled his squad by not controlling it. He let them be themselves until it was no longer an option.
To me this next group of actors and actresses where always able to hold their own against anybody. There were times they made me forget that there were other actors on the screen.
Melissa Leo, Daniel Baldwin, Ned Beatty, Jon Polito, Michelle Forbes, Reed Diamond, Jon Seda, Callie Thorne, Peter Gerety, Isabella Hoffman, Max Perlich, Toni Lewis, Michael Michele and Giancarlo Esposito. Zeljko Ivanek.
Homicide was a show that went on for 7 seasons and a movie. It was a show that always struggled in ratings. I will never understand that. Even now it is a show that is better than 99 percent of the crap that is on right now. It was a show that was way ahead of it's time, even now I don't think it would be appreciated. Some of the standout episodes to me will always be the Pilot, Three Men and Adena, The Documentary, Kaddish, Subway, The Twenty Percent Solution, Lines of Fire. Every cross over episode with Law & Order, Every Red Ball, 2 parter or 3 parter. Okay there isn't a bad episode of Homicide. Even if it was an "off" episode it was still great. I go back and watch the entire series at least twice a year sometimes more. It never fails to grip me or entertain me. There are parts that I will cry at still to this day. Not sure how many shows can say they have that kind effect on me. Maybe because I was so young when I first started watching it or the fact that I had tape's EVERY single episode. I would rewatch and rewatch. I would watch live and tape at the same time.
It was a show that will forever be the highlight of my childhood and even now at 30 I look forward to watching it. When I see the actors in other things or when their name pops up as a producer, writer or director it makes me smile. They may have gone on to do bigger and better things but to me they will always be from Homicide. I have gone on to follow most of the actors in what they do. Kyle in just about every guest role he has done on TV. How he doesn't have his own show or at the very least a series regular role is beyond me. Callie Thorne went from Homicide to episodes of The Wire. Rescue Me to USA's Necessary Roughness. Reed Diamond will forever be Mike Kellerman to me. Everytime I see him in anything I think he is the bad guy. Also always see the image of him shooting the powerful Luther Mahoney.
Homicide should go down as one of the best dramas of all time. I would put it #1. But as you can see from above there is nothing this show can do wrong in my eyes. It will forever be the bar I hold TV shows too.
To me the heart and soul of the show was the next 5 actors.
Andre Braugher as the holier than now Frank Pembleton. He can do no wrong and he can never be wrong. Braugher ate up every piece of dialogue given to him and created a masterpiece. He set the bar of what an actor should be like or should want to be like. I never once saw him give a bad performance in the show, hell even now he still demands a type of precise that so called movie stars demand.
Kyle Secor as the very new kid on the block Tim Bayliss. He was given the important assignment of being Pembleton's partner. He was a sometimes unsure of himself, what he believed in, whether or not people can change. He was a nice balance to Pembleton. Bayliss was my personal favorite character and still to this day I hope to marry Kyle.
Richard Belzer as the dark, twisted, conspirator John Munch. Munch was a man of many opinions. Some of which were outlandish and some which were probably correct. He was a many that spoke his mind no matter what or who he was talking to. At this point I think Richard headstone will read Richard Belzer as played by John Munch.
Clark Johnson as laid back Meldrick Lewis. Lewis was the fast talker, cool cat of the squad. Always dressed real nice with what seemed like a different hat in each episode. He was never one to let emotion control the investigation unlike some of his fellow detectives.
Yaphet Kotto as the man in charge Lt. Al Giardello. He was tough as nails on the outside and a big teddy bear on the inside. He was the man who controlled his squad by not controlling it. He let them be themselves until it was no longer an option.
To me this next group of actors and actresses where always able to hold their own against anybody. There were times they made me forget that there were other actors on the screen.
Melissa Leo, Daniel Baldwin, Ned Beatty, Jon Polito, Michelle Forbes, Reed Diamond, Jon Seda, Callie Thorne, Peter Gerety, Isabella Hoffman, Max Perlich, Toni Lewis, Michael Michele and Giancarlo Esposito. Zeljko Ivanek.
Homicide was a show that went on for 7 seasons and a movie. It was a show that always struggled in ratings. I will never understand that. Even now it is a show that is better than 99 percent of the crap that is on right now. It was a show that was way ahead of it's time, even now I don't think it would be appreciated. Some of the standout episodes to me will always be the Pilot, Three Men and Adena, The Documentary, Kaddish, Subway, The Twenty Percent Solution, Lines of Fire. Every cross over episode with Law & Order, Every Red Ball, 2 parter or 3 parter. Okay there isn't a bad episode of Homicide. Even if it was an "off" episode it was still great. I go back and watch the entire series at least twice a year sometimes more. It never fails to grip me or entertain me. There are parts that I will cry at still to this day. Not sure how many shows can say they have that kind effect on me. Maybe because I was so young when I first started watching it or the fact that I had tape's EVERY single episode. I would rewatch and rewatch. I would watch live and tape at the same time.
It was a show that will forever be the highlight of my childhood and even now at 30 I look forward to watching it. When I see the actors in other things or when their name pops up as a producer, writer or director it makes me smile. They may have gone on to do bigger and better things but to me they will always be from Homicide. I have gone on to follow most of the actors in what they do. Kyle in just about every guest role he has done on TV. How he doesn't have his own show or at the very least a series regular role is beyond me. Callie Thorne went from Homicide to episodes of The Wire. Rescue Me to USA's Necessary Roughness. Reed Diamond will forever be Mike Kellerman to me. Everytime I see him in anything I think he is the bad guy. Also always see the image of him shooting the powerful Luther Mahoney.
Homicide should go down as one of the best dramas of all time. I would put it #1. But as you can see from above there is nothing this show can do wrong in my eyes. It will forever be the bar I hold TV shows too.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Anxiety has become my best friend.
I never considered my an anxious person. However in the last 6 months - 1 year that's all I have been anxious. I worry all the time about everything and anything. I don't sleep much but much less in the last several months. If I do sleep it's only for an hour or so. My mind will not shut off. I wake up in a heap of sweat, sometimes forgetting where I am, even though it's my apartment, my bed, my sheets, my black cat at the end of the bed.
The though of leaving my own apartment to do the simplest things makes me anxious. Taking my grandpa to his doctors appointment, getting lunch for my best friend or going to get groceries. It makes me so unnerved that I get sick. I was suppose to go to a dinner for my birthday and I had to miss it because I ended up getting so sick. Same thing happened on Mother's Day another dinner missed. Had to leave my best friends house early because of it. I don't know what I am afraid of. My routine has almost always been the same and I like it like that. I have tried to shut my mind off from racing. I fill out applications, play video games, watch my favorite TV shows, listen to my favorite podcasts or music. It doesn't help or if it does it is for a small amount of time.
It makes me mad that I can't figure out why this is become such an issue for me. I never really went a lot of places to begin with. But now it has become a giant chore just to do the things I need to do. I hope it gets better. I hope that it goes away soon. It is become a giant crutch. Giving me migraines more than I already get. Sleeping even less than usually. Spending most of my time in the bathroom. The anxiety wasn't there one day then the next day it was. I hope it leaves just as easily as it came and soon.
The though of leaving my own apartment to do the simplest things makes me anxious. Taking my grandpa to his doctors appointment, getting lunch for my best friend or going to get groceries. It makes me so unnerved that I get sick. I was suppose to go to a dinner for my birthday and I had to miss it because I ended up getting so sick. Same thing happened on Mother's Day another dinner missed. Had to leave my best friends house early because of it. I don't know what I am afraid of. My routine has almost always been the same and I like it like that. I have tried to shut my mind off from racing. I fill out applications, play video games, watch my favorite TV shows, listen to my favorite podcasts or music. It doesn't help or if it does it is for a small amount of time.
It makes me mad that I can't figure out why this is become such an issue for me. I never really went a lot of places to begin with. But now it has become a giant chore just to do the things I need to do. I hope it gets better. I hope that it goes away soon. It is become a giant crutch. Giving me migraines more than I already get. Sleeping even less than usually. Spending most of my time in the bathroom. The anxiety wasn't there one day then the next day it was. I hope it leaves just as easily as it came and soon.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
This is a fan talking about Arrested Development.
*Don't read if you haven't seen ALL 15 episodes*
It's Sunday May 25th, 2013 something happened today that I never imagined would. We were granted 15 episodes of Arrested Development. 7 years after FOX cancelled it the little show that could returned this time on Netflix. I can remember the day the show debuted thinking it would never last. I was right, I was off by 2 and a half years but none the less. I believed it was ahead of it's time, some people wouldn't get the fast pace of the show, catch all of the jokes. When I watch season's 1-3 now I still catch something new each time. It is that good, it is that layered.
The show came out during a time I really needed to laugh. My dad was diagnosed with Melanoma cancer about 2 months before the debut. He would die during the middle of season 1. I continued to watch all the episodes as well and recording them on a VCR (google it). I would rewatching them multiple times but once the show got cancelled I stopped. I felt like when it got cancelled a family member died. I know a little extreme but it felt that way. So over the course of 7 years I would tell everyone who would listen to give the show a chance. Even though I hadn't went back and watched myself. Then the talk of a movie might happen I thought I will believe it when I see it. I still feel that way but feel a little better about getting more episodes. So in 2011 when it was announced there will be new episodes I was was overjoyed and a little sad. I knew I was going to have to go back and watch a show that had some bad personal memories attached to it. So 2 months ago I started my voyage. My worries about remembering my dad's death and this beautiful show going together strong. Instead what happened was in a way I started to heal. I don't know why its been 9 years. But that's what happened. He didn't even watch the show. I tried but parents they have a mind of their own. So I went through the seasons and then again and again. I watched multiple times in order then random. It held up over time perfectly. I was very happy I could have my show back without any bad memories of his passing.
So at 3:00am eastern time I blue myself as a woman it was a little bit more difficult. I was like a kid at christmas I couldn't get enough. Seeing my old friends was great. The same running jokes and gags were fantastic to see. A dysfunctional family at it's best. Even the episodes that felt a off the jokes were rewarded episodes later. The each cast member being the focal point for each episode took a little to get used to. I ended up really liking it. Although more Buster next time. I was a little disappointed in no chicken dance, Franklin or Hey Brother. But I can get past that. There were new gags Parmesan Cheese and Mustard made me gag just watching GOB eat it. Buster's new very large hand. There are many more but those are 2 of my favorites. Loved seeing some of the guest stars return. Ed Begley Jr, Henry Winkler, Scott Baio, Martin Mull just to name a very small few. New guest stars Isla Fisher, Kristen Wiig and Seth Rogan. I was confused as to why they felt the need to have Kristen and Seth play a young Lucille and George Sr. considering in the previous seasons they were played by Jessica Walter and Jeffery Tambor. But that was something I can look over...kinda.
In short it was great to have the show back and with Buster being arrested at the end it set up another season? The long rumored movie? I will take whatever I can get of this show. It was well worth the wait.
P.S. I'm not a writer so if there are mistakes I apologize.
It's Sunday May 25th, 2013 something happened today that I never imagined would. We were granted 15 episodes of Arrested Development. 7 years after FOX cancelled it the little show that could returned this time on Netflix. I can remember the day the show debuted thinking it would never last. I was right, I was off by 2 and a half years but none the less. I believed it was ahead of it's time, some people wouldn't get the fast pace of the show, catch all of the jokes. When I watch season's 1-3 now I still catch something new each time. It is that good, it is that layered.
The show came out during a time I really needed to laugh. My dad was diagnosed with Melanoma cancer about 2 months before the debut. He would die during the middle of season 1. I continued to watch all the episodes as well and recording them on a VCR (google it). I would rewatching them multiple times but once the show got cancelled I stopped. I felt like when it got cancelled a family member died. I know a little extreme but it felt that way. So over the course of 7 years I would tell everyone who would listen to give the show a chance. Even though I hadn't went back and watched myself. Then the talk of a movie might happen I thought I will believe it when I see it. I still feel that way but feel a little better about getting more episodes. So in 2011 when it was announced there will be new episodes I was was overjoyed and a little sad. I knew I was going to have to go back and watch a show that had some bad personal memories attached to it. So 2 months ago I started my voyage. My worries about remembering my dad's death and this beautiful show going together strong. Instead what happened was in a way I started to heal. I don't know why its been 9 years. But that's what happened. He didn't even watch the show. I tried but parents they have a mind of their own. So I went through the seasons and then again and again. I watched multiple times in order then random. It held up over time perfectly. I was very happy I could have my show back without any bad memories of his passing.
So at 3:00am eastern time I blue myself as a woman it was a little bit more difficult. I was like a kid at christmas I couldn't get enough. Seeing my old friends was great. The same running jokes and gags were fantastic to see. A dysfunctional family at it's best. Even the episodes that felt a off the jokes were rewarded episodes later. The each cast member being the focal point for each episode took a little to get used to. I ended up really liking it. Although more Buster next time. I was a little disappointed in no chicken dance, Franklin or Hey Brother. But I can get past that. There were new gags Parmesan Cheese and Mustard made me gag just watching GOB eat it. Buster's new very large hand. There are many more but those are 2 of my favorites. Loved seeing some of the guest stars return. Ed Begley Jr, Henry Winkler, Scott Baio, Martin Mull just to name a very small few. New guest stars Isla Fisher, Kristen Wiig and Seth Rogan. I was confused as to why they felt the need to have Kristen and Seth play a young Lucille and George Sr. considering in the previous seasons they were played by Jessica Walter and Jeffery Tambor. But that was something I can look over...kinda.
In short it was great to have the show back and with Buster being arrested at the end it set up another season? The long rumored movie? I will take whatever I can get of this show. It was well worth the wait.
P.S. I'm not a writer so if there are mistakes I apologize.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
My What If's
It is late on a Saturday. I am watching Game 6 Knicks vs. Pacers and my mind is wondering. My mind never shuts off for better or worse it is a machine. A lot of what if's. What if I get a job tomorrow? What if I never get a job (being out of work for almost 4 years this comes up alot). What if I could just get over my fear? What if I decide to go away for good? These are the normal thoughts that are always in the machine. The questions are easy the answers on the other hand.
Answer to what if I get a job tomorrow. I would be the happiest person in the world. In the past 4 years that I have been unemployed (excluding a 19 day temp job) a lot has happened. 3 deaths, grandpa had kidney cancer. My own fears. My own desires. I don't want just any job. I know how selfish that sounds. I want a job that I never want to leave. I don't want to jump from job to job. They need to be able to work with me about taking my grandpa to his doctor's appointments. In the past 4 years I have filled out 100's of applications and had 3 interviews. So either I am unemployable or I don't answer the test questions they way they want. Either way it is becoming more and more of a nightmare for me. This is all I think about. I just want the nightmare to be over.
Answer to what if I never get a job. Well the top goes hand in hand with this question. The only reason I have been able to live this long is selling almost everything that I care about, doing some freelance stuff, taking care of things for my grandpa and some other things as well. It has been very very hard on me and my emotional state. Essential being told you are not good enough to unload a truck at Lowes is mindblowing. I do my best not to think bad thoughts during this time but I would be lying if I didn't think about taking the easy way out.
Answer to getting over my own fear. This one is hard. I don't care what people think of me for the most part. Unless you are my best friend, his girlfriend or his parents don't bother telling me how to live my life. Well you can tell me but don't get pissy if I don't listen. I don't listen to the people that matter the most to me. I wanna go to college. I tell myself I am too old (will be 30 next month), I tell myself i'm to stupid. I like to learn so I really don't know what is stopping but fear.
Answer to what if I go away for good. Well I really can't answer this. I wish my life was a TV Show (in so many different ways) where someone in my life could show me how others get around with me or without me. I truly think people would be better off. I have always felt that way even as a child. I have tried to end things before. I never have spoken about it so I probably won't now. I grew up a only child. I do have a half-brother but we are not close. Grew up with my dad who passed in 2004 from Melanoma. It was very hard on me. I took care of him, promised him I would never make him go to the hospital. But one day I knew something was off I didn't go to work that weekend and on Sunday I made the call to 911 to take him. He told me something as they were taking him away and handed me something that I cherish to this day. I ended up leaving the hospital after a while and wasn't home very long before someone came and got me. He wasn't speaking at this point but he did look at me and call me by the nickname he always called me. Not long after that I realized he wasn't breathing and my uncle noticed it as well. I always wonder if I didn't exist would he still be alive, happy and healthy. I will never be able to answer that question.
If anyone reads this I am not a writer so if things are not the way they should be well...get over it. ;)
Feel free to comment here or my twitter @lizjaxe I plan on writing more hopefully less depressing things.
Answer to what if I get a job tomorrow. I would be the happiest person in the world. In the past 4 years that I have been unemployed (excluding a 19 day temp job) a lot has happened. 3 deaths, grandpa had kidney cancer. My own fears. My own desires. I don't want just any job. I know how selfish that sounds. I want a job that I never want to leave. I don't want to jump from job to job. They need to be able to work with me about taking my grandpa to his doctor's appointments. In the past 4 years I have filled out 100's of applications and had 3 interviews. So either I am unemployable or I don't answer the test questions they way they want. Either way it is becoming more and more of a nightmare for me. This is all I think about. I just want the nightmare to be over.
Answer to what if I never get a job. Well the top goes hand in hand with this question. The only reason I have been able to live this long is selling almost everything that I care about, doing some freelance stuff, taking care of things for my grandpa and some other things as well. It has been very very hard on me and my emotional state. Essential being told you are not good enough to unload a truck at Lowes is mindblowing. I do my best not to think bad thoughts during this time but I would be lying if I didn't think about taking the easy way out.
Answer to getting over my own fear. This one is hard. I don't care what people think of me for the most part. Unless you are my best friend, his girlfriend or his parents don't bother telling me how to live my life. Well you can tell me but don't get pissy if I don't listen. I don't listen to the people that matter the most to me. I wanna go to college. I tell myself I am too old (will be 30 next month), I tell myself i'm to stupid. I like to learn so I really don't know what is stopping but fear.
Answer to what if I go away for good. Well I really can't answer this. I wish my life was a TV Show (in so many different ways) where someone in my life could show me how others get around with me or without me. I truly think people would be better off. I have always felt that way even as a child. I have tried to end things before. I never have spoken about it so I probably won't now. I grew up a only child. I do have a half-brother but we are not close. Grew up with my dad who passed in 2004 from Melanoma. It was very hard on me. I took care of him, promised him I would never make him go to the hospital. But one day I knew something was off I didn't go to work that weekend and on Sunday I made the call to 911 to take him. He told me something as they were taking him away and handed me something that I cherish to this day. I ended up leaving the hospital after a while and wasn't home very long before someone came and got me. He wasn't speaking at this point but he did look at me and call me by the nickname he always called me. Not long after that I realized he wasn't breathing and my uncle noticed it as well. I always wonder if I didn't exist would he still be alive, happy and healthy. I will never be able to answer that question.
If anyone reads this I am not a writer so if things are not the way they should be well...get over it. ;)
Feel free to comment here or my twitter @lizjaxe I plan on writing more hopefully less depressing things.
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