A Little (Sorta) About Me.

 This will probably be longer than I want and maybe a little all over the place. 

I don't think that highly of myself and most people in my younger life didn't either. So as much as I try and forget about that things said to a younger child/teenager it still effects me. Also probably why I am the way I am now. I was bullied throughout school. I was shy (still am, no really), overweight, poor, ugly, and have a mole on my face that was a very easy target. Day after day of hearing this stuff it does start to effect you. Home life was not great but not horrible. My parents divorced when I was young. I really only remember the constant fighting. My dad got custody which should tell you everything you need to know about my birth mother. She would get me every other weekend. Usually within the first day she would send me back. Now it may not have been every time but I only remember her sending me back more than once. She had a boyfriend that molested me when I was a child. I remember her being on his side. I also remember something happening with him but can't remember what. I did have to go to therapy. I did find a piece of paper when my dad died that was from some type of court with his name on it. It took me into my 30's to completely shut her out of my life. I don't want anything to do with her. She was nothing but drama when I was younger and I don't have an desire for it as a middle aged adult. 

As the older I got the more reserved I got a little less trusting. I had one "manager" who at one point I might have considered a friend but because I made a decision that was best for me at the time, he no longer spoke to me completely. We were already somewhat on the outs. He was a shit boss but thought he was amazing. If you disagreed with him then your opinion was not important. This was a huge red flag for me. Just to keep my mouth shut all together. I mean 6 months after my fathers death he asked me why I wasn't over it, but he did say "no offense" right before. So I guess in his fucked up mind it was okay to ask that question.

Speaking about my fathers death. It's not something I really talk about it openly. A lot happened to me after his death. Some was amazing and other stuff sucked. I was 20 when he died. I made him a promise that no matter what I would not let him die in a hospital. I broke that promise and I have felt a great deal of guilt over it ever since. I even left the hospital after about an hour of him being taken in. Someone had to come get me cause they said he wouldn't last much longer. Well thats true he only woke up once, he looked at me called me by the nickname he called me my entire life and then shortly after he was dead. I had been watching him get worse for about 6 months, I took care of him every day. I saw him slowly die in front of my eyes for months and I am the one that pointed out to the nurse his chest wasn't moving. So my emotions were a bit different than others. On the day of his funeral was odd people I had never seen for the most part, telling me what he was like as a kid. Something else weird/amazing happened it was the beginning of the happiest 1-2 months of my life. To say I struggled with some emotions would be an understatement. But I would give just about anything to have those months back I have honestly never been happier. 

I know this is all over the place but that's how my weird mind works. I cant go in order of events cause one thing triggers a story or memory of something else. But I think the above stories show or at least can explain why I am the way that I am. When I look into a mirror and see myself I see someone who has a lot of pain and very little happiness. I see an overweight, ugly, stupid, lonely, broken dead inside person. I have trust issues to many people I let take advantage of me. I don't like people very much, I don't like to get too close to people. I have been in love and had my heart broken all of my own doing cause I say stupid shit out loud. I am pretty sure I did it again recently. I get so crazy stupid happy that I just start talking and well I think we all know where this leads. I hope I am wrong and I still will see that person again and again.

People like to tell me that it will get better or that Im not alone. I have been hearing it for 37 years I think it's time we stop kidding ourselves. Some people can't be saved or want to be. I am very independent. I don't like letting people into my apartment, I don't have many friends most of that is my doing. I keep people at a distance for several different reasons. Yes I get lonely but I have had a lot of practice. The same can be said for my happiness. The couple months after my dad died and the couple days in October were the purest forms of happiness I have ever felt.  Otherwise I just go through the motions, I can put on a smile or fake a laugh with the best of them. Had a lot of practice. The biggest thing I have learned in my old age is that people's opinions do not nor should not matter. There is a small and I mean small handful of people that theirs does matter on certain subjects but overall I do not care what people think of me. It will never be worse than what I think or know of myself. 

The Struggle Within.

Before I start talking about what is going on with me. I wanna state that I am not doing this for pity or attention. I am just letting people in which is something that is extremely hard for me to do.

I have depression. I have anxiety. I am overweight. I have guilt. I struggle with these things every single second of everyday. But it is who I am. Some days they define me other days they are just a part of who I have become.

I have never really been a happy person. Didn't have a great childhood. Dad was around enough but I kept him at a distance. Guilt. Mom wasn't around enough, so I keep here at a distance now. I have no guilt over this. She didn't want me when I was younger, I don't need her as an adult. My grandparents that lived around me were great but we saw things different. I didn't spend as much time as I should have with them. Guilt. I have a brother we didn't grow up together so we sorta like strangers. He has a family of his own. I am so proud of him and all that he has. I can't say there is a complete guilt here, we just have a different relationship.

I have a best friend that I love (not in an icky way) he is like my brother in the sense that we talk quite a bit, I don't get to see him as I would like. He has a life as well. I sorta fit into that and not in a bad way. His parents are beyond amazing. They treat me like their own kid. Which is very nice and odd for me. As I somewhat said above I didn't have a close knit family. So to be apart of one is weird. I will always feel like I don't belong. But I don't know that I belong anywhere.

I struggle with food. I try and exercise and eat right. I start to lose weight and I get so proud of myself. Then I "reward" myself with McDonald's. Serious guilt. I am really working on this though. Some days are much better than others. I hate to spend the money (will get to that in a second) I actually enjoy cooking. It is just stupid laziness on my part. Then I get pissy that I gained the weight back. Vicious cycle.

I have been unemployed much longer than I ever anticipated. I tried like crazy when I was first unemployed, no one would even give me an interview. I have an extremely difficult time passing the assessment part of the applications. I get nervous and frantic. Then I end up failing that and well they won't hire you. So after being a failure enough times you just except it. I simple just sold everything that was worth anything to pay the bills. My grandparents started to get worse. I started to spend more and more time with them. Letting the job hunt go to the wayside. Then they passed away. I inherited some money. I made a promise to myself that I would not job hunt for a year and decide what the hell I wanted to do with my life. Well it's been 2 years and I have no fucking clue and the money is damn near gone. I bought things I needed/wanted, bills, let a couple people money (I do not regret). I got comfortable. This is all my fault. I know that. I have a couple feelers out there and I am just letting the cards fall where they may.

I still feel a lot of guilt about my dad and I miss him constantly. He died in 2004. I made a promise to him that he would be able to die at home. I broke that promise he died in the hospital. I know I probably did the right thing but it still eats me up inside. I watched and lived with him getting worse and worse everyday. That is something I don't wish on anyone. I was 20 at the time.

I don't know that I will ever be able to change some my feelings from above. I know I will struggle with most. I have accepted that. I can be distant at times to my friends. I don't share anything, cause I don't think people care. I realize that may not be entirely true but it sure feels that way. I live in my own little world with TV shows, podcasts (IMAHO), social media forums (I am one of the nicer ones I think). If I make a new friend online sometimes I can get clingy and annoying them with messages. I am aware of that and I am working on it. Sometimes I just wanna grab lunch with a friend. Sometimes I wanna go for a drive (Not now as I need brakes and I hear those are important).  I just need to write this for myself. I need to not let things get bottled up inside. Nothing but more anxiety and depression come from it.

If you read this I hope you learned a little bit about me. Maybe too much. If you are one of the people I message too much, I apologize. I am working on it, along with everything else above.

The Blacklist

This of course is just one fans opinion.  I would never claim to speak for everyone.

Recently well I guess I should say more recently if feels like certain fans feel like they are speaking for everyone. Well you aren't speaking for me at all. There are issues with this show of course there is, there is no show that is a 100% perfect. 

If you like the show then great. If you don't like the show but continue to watch just to complain, then what the hell is wrong with you? I thought "hate watch" was only for The Newsroom.  Don't get me wrong there are things wrong with this show is it great? No it is not. There are a lot of reasons for that, 22 episodes a season is just crazy, being on NBC, and sometimes the writing. 

I mean for the love of everything how many times is Liz going to be mad at Red then happy with him. That is one if not one of the biggest issues of this show. We get it she is pissy, she was this way before she was pregnant so don't use that as an excuse. 

Is Tom someone we should be rooting for or against? I feel like he is a mini Red in the sense he is a very bad man trying to do good things. But at what cost? He tells Liz everything will work out, then goes bad to Gina to steal diamonds?  He then gets shot and almost dies, making Liz even more pissy at everyone and everything. He is doing more harm than good right?

As for Red well he is an enigma wrapped in a weird little white guy. I have NEVER believed his was her father. If I am being honest if he does than there is a good change that will ruin the show for me all together. But then again that answer won't come till season 6 or whatever. I can wait. 

I don't feel like I am entitled to know right now or if ever really. We all have our theories, most other fans will discuss them in a nice way. Other places if you don't agree with what they think than you are an idiot and you are not a fan. THOSE are the worst kinds of fans, the ones that think they are entitled to know everything at all times. I am saying this about all fandom's, not just The Blacklist. These fans make me sad as a person and as a fan of any show. 

We all have things we wish we could change about the show, I am no different. I wish Liz would be killed off. I don't like the actress I am sorry she is just bad. But I realize that I won't get what I want, I am okay with that. I don't go around screaming I Hate Megan Boone at the top of my lungs, I have written it a couple places. I respect the people that agree and disagree with me. This is just a TV show. It's okay not to like everything.  I love this show in spite of her and her character. 

I am just rambling at this point. This show is full of great things and people. I hope to be watching if for the next couple of years at least. Hopefully it's not one of those shows that limp to the finish line. This show as an amazing group of writers that tweet every week when I am sure they could be doing something else, they visit forums, interact with fans. The listen to what we like and dislike but we aren't entitled to them making those changes. They have an endgame in mind, they should stick to it as close as they can. I will be along for the entire ride.  Just don't mess it up by making Red the FATHER. I realize that no one will probably read this and that's okay as well. 

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Enlisted one of the best shows no one is watching...yet.

There are very few funny shows anymore and it is even rarer to find one on the NBC, ABC, CBS, and FOX. Put Enlisted is that show and it aired on FOX. Now I could go on and on about how it was never going to get the attention it needed from FOX or the fact that they put it on Friday Nights. But I will try and stick to the show. When I saw the first preview I though oh it looks cute I will give it a chance. Then I found out it was created by Kevin Biegel I said out loud this show will be funny and it will have several seasons. Kevin has been around the block a while Scrubs, Cougar Town and now Enlisted. So his name alone was all I needed to know it was going to be a hit.

The first season consisted of 13 episodes. Those 13 episodes have more heart and emotion than some of the drama's I watch. It can make you "ugly cry" one second and have you laughing your ass off the next. Again something that is difficult for a comedy to do which is why most comedies don't even try.
In those 13 episodes you got to see brothers reunite, fight and support each other in a very touching way. But more importantly the group of misfits already in Rear D became part of something even bigger than the Army, they became brothers and sisters. It made me see the Army in an entirely different light. I didn't even now there is a Rear D and yes they are soldiers to.

I am one very small individual trying to save this show. There are several others out there that are more creative than me. But I like to think I am just as passionate. I want this show to continue. When I see a show get cancelled I think well it had a good run or that's not surprising. Well this show proves me wrong on both accounts. It didn't get the run it deserved and it was very surprising also heartbreaking at the same time. But with the help of the other Enlistees we are there for one another fighting for this show to continue. Because simply we are Brothers and Sisters we are family.

HANDSONHEADS.

10 Years Ago.

My dad and Me. I was almost 1. I just noticed he is holding me up with his teeth. 

10 years ago today I lost my dad. He was only 49 I was 2 months away from my 21st birthday. I lived with my dad my up until his death. My parents divorced when I was 8 or 9 I really don't remember, I have tried to forget a lot of my childhood. I do however remember some things. We didn't have a lot and quite frankly that was fine. I had a TV in my room which if you know me at all that is all I needed. Hell in my teen years I had 2 TV and 2 VCR's, I was usually the person that my dad or someone would call if they need an electronic item to work. \

We lived in a 2 story house that was owed by my grandpa. I lived upstairs, my dad's bedroom was also upstairs but he always slept on the couch downstairs, that's where the video games where. We had a redneck setup. We had one of those old swivel TV's that did not work but it worked just fine for putting a TV on top of it. Then next to it we had another TV that had the video games hooked up to it.  It took me a long time when I lived on my own to get used to not having 2 TV's on at once. Anyway that was total normal for us. Although we very rarely agreed on TV shows or Games. He was more Magnum PI I was Homicide. He was Baseball games I was Mario.  We did agree on somethings Drew Carey Show, Law & Order, That '70 Show. There are many nights now watching something or playing a game that I think about him whether he would like or hate it.

My brother, me, dad. He is wearing a bitching Red Baron jacket. 

We were close but at the same time we were very far apart. We usually we both always home but neither one would know that unless I had to come downstairs. I would get home from school at the same time he would get off work. I didn't have friends so I never went anywhere. We would do puzzles but never together, he would go to bed then I would continue it and the same with me. If I could go back and spend more time with him of course I would. Hindsight of course is 20/20.  I would play softball in the summer and he stay home. At the time I loved it, I had seen him at sporting events before he was not a quite fan. I hated having that attention when playing a game. If I knew he was going to be there I would be uncomfortable, there were a couple of times I caught him there without me knowing. He never said anything and I never said anything.

He had been sick for a long time. It started on his shoulder it was like a birthmark that he had always had but it started to ooze at times. I told him forever he should go to the doctor and so did everyone else. At this point I had a job so he was constantly home alone.  He was home so much that my grandpa actually told him to get a cat. Rocky is still alive and very independent, not quite sure if he picked that up from my dad or me. When he finally did go to the doctor they informed him it was Melanoma which is a form of skin cancer. They told him 6 months. He told me as I was making a sandwich, I was like someone punched me in the stomach. That was one of the fews times we both cried and told each other I Love You.  I believe he told my brother when he ran into at the Street Fair, not sure who got the better end of that conversation. He went through Cemo, his 4th ex-wife drove him to and from Indy for his appointments or anything like that that needed to be done. When I would go to work my grandparents would come over and stay with him. We eventually got Hospice as well.  He made me promise that no matter what I would never make him go to the hospital. I broke that promise. I was suppose to work that Saturday and Sunday I woke up on Saturday and something felt wrong. So I stayed home he wasn't doing to good but not really that bad either.  Sunday was a different story he wasn't doing good at all. I called ex-wife number 4 and she came over, then I called grandma and grandpa, Hospice I believe was there as well. We decided to call an ambulance. We all went our separate ways up there. After a while I went back home. I don't like hospitals and I didn't really think this was going to end well. I wasn't home very much and my brother's wife comes and tells me I should go back up there. They don't think he is going to make it the night. I go, at this point he wasn't talking or opening his eyes. Not long after I got back up there year looked at me and called me the nickname that he always called me. Not much longer after that I noticed he stop breathing, most of the family was talking about how it was a good sign he talked. I looked at my uncle and said his chest isn't moving and he agreed. The rest of that night is kinda a blur. 10 years later I still feel guilt about making him go to the hospital.

Dad for Halloween at Gerber's grocery store. The red shirt was part of his regular everyday wear.

I think about all the time we did spend together. I remember his mustache, aviator sunglasses and hawaiian shirts. Yes he did in fact want to be Magnum PI.  We rarely fought but neither one of us are wired that way. We would watch sports together he was a Detroit Tigers fan, I am a Yankees fan. We used to go to garage sales together. I would always end up with a bunch of wrestling figures no matter if I went or not. We would go to movies together I like any kid did not want to sit with there dad so I would sit a couple rows away rows from him. But no matter what he was my dad and I miss him every single day. I wonder if he would be proud of me. I'm not even proud of me. But he would be, I am almost sure of it.  Sorry for rambling on. Before I started writing I had all these stories I wanted to tell, then I forgot them all. It is something I very rarely talk about.

Dad, Uncle Tom, Brother Brett, Granpa Homer, Grandma Ginger, Me.

I love House of Cards more than a Shark loves Blood.

House of Cards has completely taken over my life...although I really don't have one to begin with. When I tell people I love the show they really don't take my word for it. As I am a huge Kevin Spacey fan. He doesn't really do anything wrong in my eyes. So when I tell people to give it a shot they kind of roll their eyes at me. I started to say I came for Spacey but stayed for everything else. This seems to get there interest a little more. A brilliant cast, a fantastic created and main writer that I honestly wasn't aware of at the time. Lets say I am completely aware of him now. Directors some of them I was more familiar with their work than others. The show has been completely hooked.  I have seen Season 1 at least 12 times and an additional time with the commentary on. Which I really enjoyed. My hope is that they re-release them on Blu Ray. I hope Season 2 has commentaries maybe this time have Beau and some of the cast as well.

In the first scene Frank Underwood kills a dog. While I am not a fan of killing animals I was immediately hooked. The balls of this show killing a dog in the first 2 minutes. Not many shows on cable or paid cable would do that. The broadcast networks wouldn't touch that scene with a ten foot pole. But this is the golden age of streaming. The rules are different...thankfully. House of Cards also breaks the fourth wall which takes some getting used to. The first episode it threw me and I was a little uneasy about it. But the second episode I craved it. I wanted the subtle glances, smart ass comments. It made the character more deceitful in my eyes.

The cast does a fantastic job. The scenes with Robin Wright and Kevin Spacey are amazing to watch unfold. I still don't know who is more ruthless of the two. Wright has this ability to make you feel for her character in the beginning of the show then you quickly realize she is just as cold blooded as he is. The way she is able go toe to toe with Spacey is very fun to watch. Hell if this show was just 50 minutes of the Underwoods you couldn't keep me away. They both have affairs, backstab others to get what they want. The episode where she turns on him is one of my favorites. The Underwoods are a different type of couple but they do get shit done at no costs.

There really is no weak link in the cast. A majority of them I had never heard of and I immediately searched what else they have done. I think it's fair to say the Corey Stoll will not need a job for several years. He was the a complete unknown to me, but damn if he wasn't fantastic. He plays a drunken fool full of charm like no one I have ever seen. Michael Kelly, Kate Mara, Constance Zimmer, Kristen Connolly, Sakina Jaffrey and so so many more.

I can't wait to see Season 2 and 3. In my heart I don't want this show to end but it inevitable will. Hopefully we the audience will get satisfy ending. Although I don't think anyone in this show should get a satisfying ending. I can't recommend this show enough. What Beau Willimon has written is a show that is beyond anything I could have ever imagined. It will do for Streaming what Breaking Bad did for cable. He better make some room on his shelves for all the awards that will rightfully come his way.

The end is near.

I used to be a pretty simple person. Never really cared to much about anything. Never worried about the small thing or the big things. If something happens it has a purpose behind it. Not in a religious way because I am an atheist. More like everything happens for a reason type of logic. I don't know if I believe that anymore. I also believed that everyone is treated equally and if they are not then they should be. Everyone is on the same playing field some people are better at some things than others but everyone gets a chance. Nope don't believe that anymore either.

I think I am just going through the motions, just waiting for it end. I get up, look for a job, watch TV, go to bed and do it all over again. That seems easy enough right? But after 4 years of it the rejection level has completely broken me. I believe 100% this is all my fault. I am not good enough for anything. The 2 main jobs I have ever had I have gotten either because my dad knew someone or I did. I'm not sure I was qualified for either. Don't get me wrong Retail is not necessary an easy job but it isn't rocket science either. I have 6+ years of experience in it, but I haven't really worked in 4 years. That is a huge amount of time in that business. I don't wanna work with food so much of it makes me nauseas just looking at it anymore. Don't wanna work in a factory or gas station. You would think that even without those industries there would be something out there. I have applied to places I know absolutely anything about and places I really think I would be good at. My ideal job of course like most of us is working from home. But you usually have to be good at something to do that or be a pornstar. Neither which I am qualified for.

Maybe I just dug myself into this hole by taking off time after I lost my job. But I had enough money saved and sold stuff that I probably would have sold at some point (even though I regret some of it) that I could take that first year off without the help of anybody. I truly think most people would have done the same. No matter what age group. I am single no kids to support. The decision to take off that year wasn't easy but it was my choice.

I have very few bills which is a plus I guess. A huge part of me dies on the inside when I have to ask someone for money, hopefully I will be able to pay them/him off. I look at my bills now and I ask myself why did I think Credit Cards were a good idea. I paid off the big one when I left my job along with my ER bills. I wish I would have been smart enough to pay off the last one. I look at like I am throwing money away every month. It is the one bill I don't need. If I could every pay it off I would use the money from it to my internet bill. Although I may have to change that which just makes me cry and have a meltdown.  Unfortunately I am running out of things to sell or at least things that would sell. I don't wanna give up my PS3 but it may have to go. My internet is as important to me as breathing. I need it to fill out applications, I use it for what news I actually care about. I don't know how I lived without it. I challenged myself to go without internet for a weekend. I lasted 4 hours. Failure!

I know the next couple of months are going to be difficult to find a job. This time of year is horrible. People getting their CC statements, weather causing issues with vehicles, everyone is depressed because they couldn't keep their resolutions. LOL.

I will just have to wait out the storm and hope that once the weather changes and people are able to get back to spending money that I will be abel to find a job.

I have struggled all my life. Somedays are better than others. Other days I wonder what's keeping me here. I don't really have an answer to that.

Maybe I am just having issues with the fact that my dad's birthday is this weekend he would have been 59. I April it will have been 10 years since his death. I don't think I have ever really dealt with it. But that is for another blog.