Thursday, January 9, 2014

The end is near.

I used to be a pretty simple person. Never really cared to much about anything. Never worried about the small thing or the big things. If something happens it has a purpose behind it. Not in a religious way because I am an atheist. More like everything happens for a reason type of logic. I don't know if I believe that anymore. I also believed that everyone is treated equally and if they are not then they should be. Everyone is on the same playing field some people are better at some things than others but everyone gets a chance. Nope don't believe that anymore either.

I think I am just going through the motions, just waiting for it end. I get up, look for a job, watch TV, go to bed and do it all over again. That seems easy enough right? But after 4 years of it the rejection level has completely broken me. I believe 100% this is all my fault. I am not good enough for anything. The 2 main jobs I have ever had I have gotten either because my dad knew someone or I did. I'm not sure I was qualified for either. Don't get me wrong Retail is not necessary an easy job but it isn't rocket science either. I have 6+ years of experience in it, but I haven't really worked in 4 years. That is a huge amount of time in that business. I don't wanna work with food so much of it makes me nauseas just looking at it anymore. Don't wanna work in a factory or gas station. You would think that even without those industries there would be something out there. I have applied to places I know absolutely anything about and places I really think I would be good at. My ideal job of course like most of us is working from home. But you usually have to be good at something to do that or be a pornstar. Neither which I am qualified for.

Maybe I just dug myself into this hole by taking off time after I lost my job. But I had enough money saved and sold stuff that I probably would have sold at some point (even though I regret some of it) that I could take that first year off without the help of anybody. I truly think most people would have done the same. No matter what age group. I am single no kids to support. The decision to take off that year wasn't easy but it was my choice.

I have very few bills which is a plus I guess. A huge part of me dies on the inside when I have to ask someone for money, hopefully I will be able to pay them/him off. I look at my bills now and I ask myself why did I think Credit Cards were a good idea. I paid off the big one when I left my job along with my ER bills. I wish I would have been smart enough to pay off the last one. I look at like I am throwing money away every month. It is the one bill I don't need. If I could every pay it off I would use the money from it to my internet bill. Although I may have to change that which just makes me cry and have a meltdown.  Unfortunately I am running out of things to sell or at least things that would sell. I don't wanna give up my PS3 but it may have to go. My internet is as important to me as breathing. I need it to fill out applications, I use it for what news I actually care about. I don't know how I lived without it. I challenged myself to go without internet for a weekend. I lasted 4 hours. Failure!

I know the next couple of months are going to be difficult to find a job. This time of year is horrible. People getting their CC statements, weather causing issues with vehicles, everyone is depressed because they couldn't keep their resolutions. LOL.

I will just have to wait out the storm and hope that once the weather changes and people are able to get back to spending money that I will be abel to find a job.

I have struggled all my life. Somedays are better than others. Other days I wonder what's keeping me here. I don't really have an answer to that.

Maybe I am just having issues with the fact that my dad's birthday is this weekend he would have been 59. I April it will have been 10 years since his death. I don't think I have ever really dealt with it. But that is for another blog.